What Difference Does it Make?

While doing errands recently, I found myself behind an SUV on a fairly busy street.  I was talking with a good friend on the phone and I watched a wrapper (gum?  candy?) fly out the window.

I said to my friend on the phone, “Someone just threw a candy wrapper out the window”.  It was obvious to both of us that what I didn’t say was my thought, “What a jerk!  That person is the cause of many of the problems the world faces.  Litterer!”  I am fairly confident that in a span of 20 seconds, even more ‘jackal’ thoughts whizzed through my mind.

My friend said, almost immediately, “Oh, they must have precious needs for ease and cleanliness.”  In an instant I got that in 30 seconds the quality of my life changed.

The one thing we have control over is our thoughts.  And the quality of our lives is directly related to what we put our attention on.  In the minutes after I watched the wrapper come out of the auto in front of me, I became unhappy, feeling almost hopeless and helpless about the state of the world, and aggravated with the unknown person in front of me.

Certainly I have precious needs for care, compassion, beauty and a healthy planet.  So seeing the wrapper come out the driver’s window stimulated pain for me.  Had I focused immediately on these precious needs, a few things might have happened.  Those 30 seconds to one minute might have been less stressful on my body (stress state = physical inflammation, more on this in another blog).  I might have come up with a strategy to have those needs met.  For example, I might have immediately thought ‘I am going to plant something to offset the trash, or possibly decided that I am going to sweep up the trash from my street’.  Those moments of aggravation didn’t allow for the creativity necessary to meet my own needs. 

Had I connected to my own needs, and been curious about the possible needs for the person in the car, then had we somehow engaged in conversation, there would be an increased likelihood that I might say something that was connecting.  In my jackal thoughts, I think either my words or energy or both would have indicated to that person that I thought they were a jerk, and likely they would defend, get angry back at me, and you can imagine the rest.  Nothing inspiring to me.

So what difference does it make what I think?

1.  The quality of my health.

2.  The possibility of connection with another human living life here with me.

3.  Having the creativity to actually get my needs met.

Say This Not That. 

Read a few of these and notice how you feel (emotions and in your body) when each giraffe and jackal thought.  See if you can notice a difference.

 

1.  She is so selfish, and doesn’t care about anyone but herself.  vs.  I so appreciate that she is confident in her choices and has the capacity to ask for what she wants. 

2.  What a stupid question, why are they wasting my time in this class.  vs.  This seems so difficult for them, I wonder what is in the way of them understanding what is being taught.

3.  He always is taking over the meetings, talking too much.  vs.  He seems to care so much about our project.  I think I connect more to him to see what meaning it has for him.

Try this! 

Next time you find yourself judging whether someone or something is good or bad, or right or wrong, consider the impact on your life.   See if you can translate your judgmental thoughts into the precious needs that are causing your own distress.

Can you ever WIN an argument?

I did a bit of research on this.  I wanted to see if there are actual guidelines about this.  Whether I looked up how to win a debate, or win an argument, what is being offered is about keeping calm, use logic, ask questions.  I found an Inc.com article that says, “Gather your thoughts before you deliver the zinger”.  Zinger? 

What I haven’t found in my research is the criteria that defines WIN.  Often subjective ~ as in our political debates, the press (and each candidate) announces the winner (based on some undisclosed, not so obvious and very biased criteria.)  Obviously in this case, each candidate declares themselves the winner.  Then we (the witnesses) either agree or disagree.  This might work in politics when the goal of the debate is to get votes.

In tennis as an example, there is a clear structure, an agreed to point system, an agreed to court size, apparel and racket constraints, etc.  In other sports there are always well-defined rules whether it is time, a court or field, a point system, conduct constraints.

Following this thought through, if you are going to have an argument with someone and you want to win it, it would be wise then to set up the structure that you both agree on about who wins.  Otherwise the argument continues until either one or the other or both declare themselves the winner. This can look like ending the relationship, allowing us to continue to believe we are right about what we think, and most often continue to be in some level of upset with the other person ongoing.  Possibly it dissipates in intensity over time, and more likely not.  Just notice how you feel the instant you spot this person a year later!

Make some rules.

So if you really want to win, rather than just declaring yourself the winner, get
with your conflict rival and set up some rules for winning.

Taking this step actually requires listening, connection, mutual understanding and agreement.  Part of what will need to become clear to you both is what is the purpose of winning?  What will be better in your life if you win?  Understanding?  More connection and shared reality?  

I am guessing you can see where this is leading?!

In the context of Nonviolent Communication and creating a quality of connection where everyone’s needs matter and get met, the very act of taking this step [reminder:  step = talking and making agreements] is how you win an argument!

Pain Wheel

If you didn’t have pain, what would you be doing differently?

I have a client who has been in physical pain for many months, off and on approaching years, in fact.  She has attributed it to a car accident.  Science tells me in her case, 2 things.  One is that the ‘damage’ to her spine is not likely the cause of her pain, and the other is that it is unlikely that the accident she had could actually cause the ‘damage’ she does show up on x-ray and MRI.

Week in and week out, when she comes in, she tells me in exquisite detail, over and over, the woes of her physical life and her social life.  Every week, I ask her to focus her attention on the progress she is making, the decreased amount of pain, the increased distance she can walk without pain, etc., which she also reports.  It seems that celebrating and savoring these changes is quite difficult for her.  Her focus is her pain, no matter what else she is experiencing.  She just keeps asking when she would be out of pain.

Recently, I asked her what would she be doing differently if she was out of pain.  What is missing now, what can’t she do now because of the pain she is in.  My intention was to bring to the foreground of her attention her intention.  What did she want from life?

Her answer surprised me.  She said that if she felt better she was afraid that people would want her to do more.  That she wouldn’t get the help she needed.   As much as I prompted, She did not actually say what she did want.   In the end, the needs ~ what is important to her ~ seem relatively clear.  Support, dependability, nurturing and ease come to my mind. 

Her strategy to get these needs met seems so tragic to me.  She is in pain, and unhappy.  And, she doesn’t ‘have to’ do the thing she imagines people would ask her to do if she were well. 

Is this familiar to you?   How aware are you of what you are wanting in your life?  How stuck are you in the one or two strategies that you have discovered over time get those needs met (no matter how tragically)?  Are you on the PAIN WHEEL?

In the case of this client, I would love her to free herself from her belief that if people expect and even ask her to do things, that she has no choice but to say yes.  It isn’t true and the prison of pain she is living into is devastating to her happiness and joy of life.  For my client, learning the skill of being able to say yes and no to requests gracefully and compassionately would be quite empowering and dare I say, make her life more wonderful.

If you are in chronic pain ~ emotional or physical ~ sure, being out of pain would be quite delightful.  Just make sure you ask yourself why?  Ask the deeper questions.   Questions you want the answers to.  Questions that can actually be answered and will make a difference in your life. 

Here are some examples:

What experience do I want to have in my life? 

How can I have more of this regardless of my pain? 

What is my pain keeping me from experiencing? 

Spontaneity - Schedule Some Now

“If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, 
you'll probably never do  much of anything.”   ~ Win Borden

Recently my life became all about my schedule.  Any blank spot on my iCal existed only to be filled - with work, dinner, a movie, a haircut, an appointment at the Apple Store to learn how to better use my iCal. I reveled in the idea that by organizing my time with rules and schedules, I was making myself more productive. My system was ingenious - it even had a color code for Happy Health Terrie Time, during which I was supposed to relax before moving on to the next scheduled item.

My system seemed to be working - until I noticed how often I was saying, “I’m so busy.”   Talking with people who weren’t on the schedule seemed overwhelming, so I stopped answering the phone and began to ignore emails. I grew so tired that workouts began to drop off my schedule - which I justified by telling myself that if I didn’t have a session with my trainer exercising wasn’t actually on the calendar anyway.

Then I began to hear a little voice in my head, offering the same gentle reminder I so often give to my clients. “Listen to your body.  What is it telling you?” As soon as I tuned in, it was obvious that I had been ignoring a message for quite some time. My mounting fatigue was practically an SOS call from my distressed body, whose demands I had pushed aside whenever they didn’t fit into my schedule. 

I started blocking off whole days - color coded of course - with the word Nothing. The beauty of the Days of Nothing was that they left me the freedom to choose what I wanted to do, right in that moment. I would relax if I wanted to relax, work if I wanted to work, go to the movies if that was what struck my fancy. Most importantly, I would be doing what I had decided to do right then, not a week or even an hour before. What I needed was spontaneity.

Interestingly enough, rather than leaving me with more work piled up, the Days of Nothing increased my productivity. Having removed the idea that I should be doing any particular thing - cleaning or visiting family or balancing my check book - I was filled with the energy of choice and freedom.  My fatigue lifted.

I found that even on the Days of Nothing I would often choose to complete some task I had been putting off, rendering spontaneous what had previously felt like a chore. Knowing the benefit that spontaneity provides, I now constantly look for opportunities to choose what’s important in the moment. As a result, I find that I am more relaxed, energetic, and enthusiastic, no matter what I am doing.  

Sometimes we can be so conscientious about doing what we think is good for us that we move too far in one direction, over-scheduling ourselves to the point that we leave no time or space for our bodies to tell us what we ought to be doing. Here are a few small ways to release your grip on rules and routines and allow your body’s expressed needs to be your guide.

Your Sleep Patterns

I recently posted an article on my facebook page which discusses some new ideas about sleep patterns. It turns out that eight hours in a row may not really be how the body wants to rest, at least not everyone’s body.  How many times have you found yourself up in the middle of the night, worried more about the fact that you aren’t asleep than about anything else in particular? My belief is if you are tired, you will sleep.  If you don’t feel tired, then be awake.  If you weren’t busy being worried about being up in the middle of the night, and trying to sleep, what else could you do?  There may be a rhythm that works better for you.

How Much Water You Drink

It’s practically ‘law’ to drink 8 glasses of water a day.  Why?  How can everyone possibly require the same daily intake of liquids?  Personally, I think it’s pretty hard on your kidneys to drink that much every day.  Try drinking just when you are thirsty.  If you are active, or if you are outside on a hot day, you will naturally want to drink more.  Your body knows what to do.  It knows how much water you need moment by moment.

How You Exercise

Do you repeat the same workout every time you go to the gym, regardless of how you are feeling that day? Check to see if your body is calling for something.  Is it begging to be stretched out on your heavy lifting day?  Maybe you are feeling particularly strong and would like to reschedule cardio in favor of weights. Or perhaps you are about to get sick, and a nap would serve you far better than a workout.

All I’m suggesting is, listen!  Rules are great, and they should serve you, not oppress you. Stick to the schedule most of the time, but make sure you build in the opportunity to ask, “What do I want to do today?” and the time to act on the answer. 

Self Care - What's That?

There’s an old joke that goes like this:

A woman prays every day to win the lottery.  Day after day, she prays, “God please let me win the lottery”.  Finally, one day, god calls down to the woman and says, “Lady, can you help me out and buy a ticket?”

As someone people come to for care, I ask, can you help me out?

Many of my clients come to me because they are in physical or emotional pain.  Very often I can help, but help is the key word.  I really can’t do it all.  Your life is your responsibility, and caring for yourself is vital if you want to be well. A wonderful team that you trust to give advice and care can help to keep you healthy.  But ultimately you must be in charge of your own health, which may require making changes in your life. If you need rest, you have to be the one who sleeps more.  If you need more enjoyment, you are the one who must take the time to have more fun.  

If you are not taking good care of yourself, there will be a limit to how much anyone else can do for you - whether your surgeon, your therapist, or your chiropractor.

Recently a woman who had been in pain for quite some time contacted me seeking care. I asked her, “What have you done in response to your pain?”  She began rattling off a list of practitioners she had seen - chiropractor, acupuncturist, shiatsu masseuse, medical intuitive, and several others.  I asked her what she herself had done, what changes she had made to her daily life, and she looked at me with confusion, not understanding what I meant. I went on: what kind of self-care did she do?  Did she rest? Did she meditate? Did she apply heat to the pain? Did she take a bath? Did she finally have a difficult conversation she had been putting off for years? Had she taken the time to consider the possible root cause of the pain? She didn’t have an answer.

Pain is your body’s way of letting you know that something is amiss.  Experiencing pain means that - whether on the physical, emotional, mental or spiritual level - something in your life needs to be addressed. When you feel pain, your body is saying, “Hey! Wake up!! I need something!” To figure out what that something is, you must learn to look inward. One of the best ways I have found to do that is through self-care.

Here are a few easy ways to start practicing self-care.

SLOWING DOWN

·   Try taking daily bath, in hot, sudsy water.  

·   A nap can be a great way to recharge. Rather than reaching for another cup of coffee, give yourself permission to take a short nap during the day.

·   Meditation is a great way to slow down and reconnect with yourself. Here are a few simple meditations to get you started:

1.        Conduct a three-minute body scan upon waking.  

2.        Practice early morning gratitude meditation.  Upon waking, notice 5 things you are grateful for right in this moment.  You can even write them down.

3.        Try a five-minute seated meditation in which you quietly notice your thoughts and practice letting them go. Over time, increase the length of the meditation.

4.        Yoga is a moving meditation, whether you do it at home or in a class.

SPEEDING UP

You may be in need of some physical activity to get you back in to your body. If you feel heavy or lethargic, or if your thoughts seem cloudy, consider trying the following:

·   Head outside and take a brisk walk.

·   Go for a bike ride around your neighborhood.

·   Take a dance class, or turn on music that makes you feel like moving, and just dance around the house by yourself.

THE GREAT OUTDOORS

Nature is very healing.  Even if you live in an urban place without much greenery, spending time in nature can be as simple as going to a park, or even leaning against a tree while waiting for the bus. If you live in the suburbs, find opportunities to get out of the car or the house. Walk on the grass in your bare feet. Plant a garden, large or small.

BE CREATIVE

·   Pick up a craft project you have been meaning to finish or wanting to start.

·   Learning a new skill, especially one that allows you to express your creative side, can be transformative. Try knitting or sewing, taking a pottery class, or learning a new language.

·   Or buy a can of paint and take a brush to that beige wall you’ve always thought would look great in canary yellow.

·   Cleaning, organizing, re-arranging furniture - all of these transformations of the space around you are creative acts that can bring freshness and ease into your life.  

COOKING AND EATING INTENTIONALLY

Take the time to eat healthily. If that feels too daunting, start with a few healthy changes in your diet. The act of cooking, whether for yourself or someone else, is an opportunity to slow down and savor the delight of creating great food.

You get the idea.  When you are in distress, take good care of yourself.   As a health care provider I am on your team, and you are the team leader.