Pain Wheel

If you didn’t have pain, what would you be doing differently?

I have a client who has been in physical pain for many months, off and on approaching years, in fact.  She has attributed it to a car accident.  Science tells me in her case, 2 things.  One is that the ‘damage’ to her spine is not likely the cause of her pain, and the other is that it is unlikely that the accident she had could actually cause the ‘damage’ she does show up on x-ray and MRI.

Week in and week out, when she comes in, she tells me in exquisite detail, over and over, the woes of her physical life and her social life.  Every week, I ask her to focus her attention on the progress she is making, the decreased amount of pain, the increased distance she can walk without pain, etc., which she also reports.  It seems that celebrating and savoring these changes is quite difficult for her.  Her focus is her pain, no matter what else she is experiencing.  She just keeps asking when she would be out of pain.

Recently, I asked her what would she be doing differently if she was out of pain.  What is missing now, what can’t she do now because of the pain she is in.  My intention was to bring to the foreground of her attention her intention.  What did she want from life?

Her answer surprised me.  She said that if she felt better she was afraid that people would want her to do more.  That she wouldn’t get the help she needed.   As much as I prompted, She did not actually say what she did want.   In the end, the needs ~ what is important to her ~ seem relatively clear.  Support, dependability, nurturing and ease come to my mind. 

Her strategy to get these needs met seems so tragic to me.  She is in pain, and unhappy.  And, she doesn’t ‘have to’ do the thing she imagines people would ask her to do if she were well. 

Is this familiar to you?   How aware are you of what you are wanting in your life?  How stuck are you in the one or two strategies that you have discovered over time get those needs met (no matter how tragically)?  Are you on the PAIN WHEEL?

In the case of this client, I would love her to free herself from her belief that if people expect and even ask her to do things, that she has no choice but to say yes.  It isn’t true and the prison of pain she is living into is devastating to her happiness and joy of life.  For my client, learning the skill of being able to say yes and no to requests gracefully and compassionately would be quite empowering and dare I say, make her life more wonderful.

If you are in chronic pain ~ emotional or physical ~ sure, being out of pain would be quite delightful.  Just make sure you ask yourself why?  Ask the deeper questions.   Questions you want the answers to.  Questions that can actually be answered and will make a difference in your life. 

Here are some examples:

What experience do I want to have in my life? 

How can I have more of this regardless of my pain? 

What is my pain keeping me from experiencing? 

New Video on Network Care!!

Check out this video! It was produced by my friend Dr. Jane Arzt at The Vitality Center in Oakland, California. It highlights some of the wonderful benefits that Network Care practice members see in their lives. Click here to watch.

Stages of Emotional Liberation

We all go through stages of emotional experience. In Nonviolent Communication we identify three primary stages of emotional maturity, the last of which is emotional liberation.

Many of us start at Stage 1, which is thinking that we are responsible for other people's feelings. At this stage, we feel bad if our partners are distressed and we worry about hurting other people's feelings. We often deny our own happiness so that others will be happy. We also believe that others are responsible for our feelings. Ad we feel bad when we think they have done something that causes our unhappiness.

Stage 2 is when we start to notice and grieve how much of our life has been spent denying our own happiness Very often, people at this stage feel angry and resentful, and meeting their own needs becomes urgent. At this stage, people tend to say things like, "That's your problem; I'm not responsible for your feelings." This can look like entering into a conversation or negotiation only concerned with getting our own needs met.

In Stage 3, we integrate the first two stages. We come to realize that everyone is responsible for their own feelings, and we also recognize our role if we do something that stimulates pain in another person. We also start to value the needs of everyone, not just the other person's needs or our own. The world seems more abundant as we realize that it is possible to value everyone's needs equally. As this happens, we become able to consider everyone's feelings and needs without taking responsibility for them. We are free to be compassionate and loving to many people, even ourselves. Indeed, we have reached emotional liberation.

It seems that once have an experience of stage 3, we still have moments of each stage depending on what is occurring in our lives. As you become more practiced in NVC consciousness (stage 3), you can actively direct your responses from that understanding. I use the word practice quite purposefully here. Being able to direct your attention to your needs and the other person's needs, and distinguish these from your ideas of what has gone wrong (especially when you are feeling upset) is emotional liberation. And most often will lead to productive and often intimate, or at least enjoyable conversations and relationships. And doing this take practice.


Parts of this post are based on an excerpt from Peaceful Living: Daily Meditations for Living with Love, Healing, and Compassion by Mary Mackenzie.

Why I am a Doctor of Chiropractic

Because I honor the inborn potential of everyone to be truly healthy. Because I desire to help the newborn, the aged and those without hope. Because I choose to care for the patient with the disease, not the disease. Because I wish to assist rather than intrude, to free rather than control. Because I seek the correct the cause, not its effect. Because I know doctors do not heal, only the body can heal itself. Because I have been called to serve. Because I want to make a difference. Because every day I get to witness miracles. Because I know it is my great work.