Can you ever WIN an argument?

I did a bit of research on this.  I wanted to see if there are actual guidelines about this.  Whether I looked up how to win a debate, or win an argument, what is being offered is about keeping calm, use logic, ask questions.  I found an Inc.com article that says, “Gather your thoughts before you deliver the zinger”.  Zinger? 

What I haven’t found in my research is the criteria that defines WIN.  Often subjective ~ as in our political debates, the press (and each candidate) announces the winner (based on some undisclosed, not so obvious and very biased criteria.)  Obviously in this case, each candidate declares themselves the winner.  Then we (the witnesses) either agree or disagree.  This might work in politics when the goal of the debate is to get votes.

In tennis as an example, there is a clear structure, an agreed to point system, an agreed to court size, apparel and racket constraints, etc.  In other sports there are always well-defined rules whether it is time, a court or field, a point system, conduct constraints.

Following this thought through, if you are going to have an argument with someone and you want to win it, it would be wise then to set up the structure that you both agree on about who wins.  Otherwise the argument continues until either one or the other or both declare themselves the winner. This can look like ending the relationship, allowing us to continue to believe we are right about what we think, and most often continue to be in some level of upset with the other person ongoing.  Possibly it dissipates in intensity over time, and more likely not.  Just notice how you feel the instant you spot this person a year later!

Make some rules.

So if you really want to win, rather than just declaring yourself the winner, get
with your conflict rival and set up some rules for winning.

Taking this step actually requires listening, connection, mutual understanding and agreement.  Part of what will need to become clear to you both is what is the purpose of winning?  What will be better in your life if you win?  Understanding?  More connection and shared reality?  

I am guessing you can see where this is leading?!

In the context of Nonviolent Communication and creating a quality of connection where everyone’s needs matter and get met, the very act of taking this step [reminder:  step = talking and making agreements] is how you win an argument!

Terrie’s Rules of Etiquette

To the disappointment of my trainer, I often read magazines while on the elliptical machine at the gym.  A favorite is Real Simple Magazine.  I like the pictures, quotes, suggestions and some articles, though I often find myself disagreeing with the advice given in the Life Lessons section.  Here’s an example:

Question:

My cousin, who lives one state away is a terrible hostess.  Her home is such a mess (think soiled clothes and piles of paper in the hallway) that I’m not comfortable having my family stay there when we visit.  However, I don’t want to hurt her feelings by confronting her about her bad housekeeping.  What should I do?

Answer:

You’re right to stay away from chastising your cousin.  Unless your family’s health or welfare is directly affected (for example, your child has an allergy to dust), it’s not your place to critique her homemaking.

Of course, you are under no obligation to put up with it either.  Why not simply stay with a friend, if you have one nearby, or in a hotel?  If she asks why you’re bunking elsewhere, avoid hurting her feelings by saying, “You’ve been so generous to host my family and overlook the disruption that a lot of guests cause.  I want to see you, but without creating so much hassle.  With any luck, she’ll thank you for being so considerate.

When I first read this article I was nodding my head up until the part when the author tells the advice-seeker to lie to her cousin. Of course she should stay somewhere else if she feels uncomfortable with the surroundings in her cousin’s home; a sense of obligation is not a good reason to do anything. However, by being dishonest or evasive about her reasons for doing so, she misses a chance build connection and understanding in her relationship with her cousin.

WHAT WE VALUE

We all have opinions about what people do, how they live, and what they say. The problem comes when we believe that our assessment is the ‘right’ one.  What we think is neither right nor wrong.  It is just a mechanism to help us determine what we value.  In this case, the writer values order and cleanliness as well as family and connection. 

LETTING GO OF JUDGMENTS

Just because we do not like the way someone does something, in this case, housekeeping, does not mean that we must judge the person as wrong for doing it that way.  By letting go of judgments and using language that emphasizes connection - for example, asking with curiosity and concern about why the house looks the way it does - we promote understanding.  

CONNECTION, NOT CONFRONTATION

For the advice seeker to lie about what is going on for her, or keep it to herself and hope that “she’ll thank you for being so considerate” seems at best misguided and at worst mean-spirited. This strategy assumes that expressing her desires will necessarily result in conflict or hurt feelings. 

SAYING WHAT IS TRUE

In this case, there really is no need for confrontation or lying, nor to express condescension regarding the cousin’s housekeeping skills. Nothing needs to be said about the house at all. Rather than saying, “I don’t want to disrupt you”, which is not true, she could say, “I feel more comfortable staying at a hotel”, which is true. By saying what is true and letting go of the belief that the cousin needs to organize her house in a particular way, the connection between the two of them can deepen.  

LIVING FROM THE HEART

Sharing what is really alive in our hearts seems so difficult, but by doing so we open up a world of possibilities for personal freedom, connection and satisfaction.  In this case, the advice-seeker would do well to recognize her own values- her preference for cleanliness and her concern for her cousin’s emotions - and ask for what she wants with honesty and compassion. While the short-term outcome might be the same - she’ll stay elsewhere - long term, her willingness to live from the heart can’t help but bring the two cousins closer.

Life and Death

I have recently experienced the death of someone close to me.  The suddenness of this loss reminds me how fragile life is.

My concerns, thoughts, and worries had certainly not been on this ‘healthy’ person. I had been preparing for others close to me to  make this transition, contemplating how their passing would affect my life.  Not Tom.  Tom was slow, steady, strong.  He was here for the long haul.  

Now, immersed in Tom’s personal papers, his things, awash in stories and memories of what he meant to people, I am reminded of the significance of every moment we live.

I don’t, however, want to write about his life.  I am writing about life.  What do we do with it?  We have it for some unspecified amount of time.  We share it with some people in a deep way, with others in a more superficial way, and somehow - albeit unknown - we share it with those billions of people who are here for the same moment we are but whom we will never meet.

Intention has been the theme of my life and my practice in recent years - knowing why, in every moment, I do and say the things I do.  But what’s the grand intention?  Is there a purpose to life?  To my life?  To your life?  I believe it is up to each of us.  We get to decide.

Cosmological physicist Brian Swimme says:

“At the very, very beginning, the universe comes into existence and these various forms of matter experience an attraction for each other. So that very attraction is what gave rise to our existence in our consciousness. In a way, the purpose of human beings is to reflect love, is to be self-aware of love, is to be conscious about love, is to be that conscious expression of love, as far as we know, in the universe.”

If you knew you had a short time to live, would you spend that time being angry at someone for cutting you off on the highway?  Or holding a grudge with your friend for forgetting to send a birthday card?  Would you spend it judging people for how they eat?  Or holding off saying something important?  Or would you choose to spend your time left cherishing every minute?  And if you chose to cherish every moment, what would you be doing? How would you being doing it, and with whom?

I encourage you to give these questions some thought, some energy, some action.  Why put it off?  For every moment you are alive, know your intentions and act on them.  For yourself, and for those you will leave behind.  

This poem by Dawna Markova, offers me inspiration and describes the grand intention for my life, which I consciously choose in every moment that I can remember.   What’s yours?

I will not live an unlived life.

I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire.

I choose to inhabit my days,

to allow my living to open me,

to make me less afraid, more accessible,

to loosen my heart

until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise.

I choose to risk my significance;

to live,

so that which came to me as seed

goes to the next as blossom,

and that which came to me as blossom,

goes on as fruit.

Spontaneity - Schedule Some Now

“If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, 
you'll probably never do  much of anything.”   ~ Win Borden

Recently my life became all about my schedule.  Any blank spot on my iCal existed only to be filled - with work, dinner, a movie, a haircut, an appointment at the Apple Store to learn how to better use my iCal. I reveled in the idea that by organizing my time with rules and schedules, I was making myself more productive. My system was ingenious - it even had a color code for Happy Health Terrie Time, during which I was supposed to relax before moving on to the next scheduled item.

My system seemed to be working - until I noticed how often I was saying, “I’m so busy.”   Talking with people who weren’t on the schedule seemed overwhelming, so I stopped answering the phone and began to ignore emails. I grew so tired that workouts began to drop off my schedule - which I justified by telling myself that if I didn’t have a session with my trainer exercising wasn’t actually on the calendar anyway.

Then I began to hear a little voice in my head, offering the same gentle reminder I so often give to my clients. “Listen to your body.  What is it telling you?” As soon as I tuned in, it was obvious that I had been ignoring a message for quite some time. My mounting fatigue was practically an SOS call from my distressed body, whose demands I had pushed aside whenever they didn’t fit into my schedule. 

I started blocking off whole days - color coded of course - with the word Nothing. The beauty of the Days of Nothing was that they left me the freedom to choose what I wanted to do, right in that moment. I would relax if I wanted to relax, work if I wanted to work, go to the movies if that was what struck my fancy. Most importantly, I would be doing what I had decided to do right then, not a week or even an hour before. What I needed was spontaneity.

Interestingly enough, rather than leaving me with more work piled up, the Days of Nothing increased my productivity. Having removed the idea that I should be doing any particular thing - cleaning or visiting family or balancing my check book - I was filled with the energy of choice and freedom.  My fatigue lifted.

I found that even on the Days of Nothing I would often choose to complete some task I had been putting off, rendering spontaneous what had previously felt like a chore. Knowing the benefit that spontaneity provides, I now constantly look for opportunities to choose what’s important in the moment. As a result, I find that I am more relaxed, energetic, and enthusiastic, no matter what I am doing.  

Sometimes we can be so conscientious about doing what we think is good for us that we move too far in one direction, over-scheduling ourselves to the point that we leave no time or space for our bodies to tell us what we ought to be doing. Here are a few small ways to release your grip on rules and routines and allow your body’s expressed needs to be your guide.

Your Sleep Patterns

I recently posted an article on my facebook page which discusses some new ideas about sleep patterns. It turns out that eight hours in a row may not really be how the body wants to rest, at least not everyone’s body.  How many times have you found yourself up in the middle of the night, worried more about the fact that you aren’t asleep than about anything else in particular? My belief is if you are tired, you will sleep.  If you don’t feel tired, then be awake.  If you weren’t busy being worried about being up in the middle of the night, and trying to sleep, what else could you do?  There may be a rhythm that works better for you.

How Much Water You Drink

It’s practically ‘law’ to drink 8 glasses of water a day.  Why?  How can everyone possibly require the same daily intake of liquids?  Personally, I think it’s pretty hard on your kidneys to drink that much every day.  Try drinking just when you are thirsty.  If you are active, or if you are outside on a hot day, you will naturally want to drink more.  Your body knows what to do.  It knows how much water you need moment by moment.

How You Exercise

Do you repeat the same workout every time you go to the gym, regardless of how you are feeling that day? Check to see if your body is calling for something.  Is it begging to be stretched out on your heavy lifting day?  Maybe you are feeling particularly strong and would like to reschedule cardio in favor of weights. Or perhaps you are about to get sick, and a nap would serve you far better than a workout.

All I’m suggesting is, listen!  Rules are great, and they should serve you, not oppress you. Stick to the schedule most of the time, but make sure you build in the opportunity to ask, “What do I want to do today?” and the time to act on the answer. 

Self Care - What's That?

There’s an old joke that goes like this:

A woman prays every day to win the lottery.  Day after day, she prays, “God please let me win the lottery”.  Finally, one day, god calls down to the woman and says, “Lady, can you help me out and buy a ticket?”

As someone people come to for care, I ask, can you help me out?

Many of my clients come to me because they are in physical or emotional pain.  Very often I can help, but help is the key word.  I really can’t do it all.  Your life is your responsibility, and caring for yourself is vital if you want to be well. A wonderful team that you trust to give advice and care can help to keep you healthy.  But ultimately you must be in charge of your own health, which may require making changes in your life. If you need rest, you have to be the one who sleeps more.  If you need more enjoyment, you are the one who must take the time to have more fun.  

If you are not taking good care of yourself, there will be a limit to how much anyone else can do for you - whether your surgeon, your therapist, or your chiropractor.

Recently a woman who had been in pain for quite some time contacted me seeking care. I asked her, “What have you done in response to your pain?”  She began rattling off a list of practitioners she had seen - chiropractor, acupuncturist, shiatsu masseuse, medical intuitive, and several others.  I asked her what she herself had done, what changes she had made to her daily life, and she looked at me with confusion, not understanding what I meant. I went on: what kind of self-care did she do?  Did she rest? Did she meditate? Did she apply heat to the pain? Did she take a bath? Did she finally have a difficult conversation she had been putting off for years? Had she taken the time to consider the possible root cause of the pain? She didn’t have an answer.

Pain is your body’s way of letting you know that something is amiss.  Experiencing pain means that - whether on the physical, emotional, mental or spiritual level - something in your life needs to be addressed. When you feel pain, your body is saying, “Hey! Wake up!! I need something!” To figure out what that something is, you must learn to look inward. One of the best ways I have found to do that is through self-care.

Here are a few easy ways to start practicing self-care.

SLOWING DOWN

·   Try taking daily bath, in hot, sudsy water.  

·   A nap can be a great way to recharge. Rather than reaching for another cup of coffee, give yourself permission to take a short nap during the day.

·   Meditation is a great way to slow down and reconnect with yourself. Here are a few simple meditations to get you started:

1.        Conduct a three-minute body scan upon waking.  

2.        Practice early morning gratitude meditation.  Upon waking, notice 5 things you are grateful for right in this moment.  You can even write them down.

3.        Try a five-minute seated meditation in which you quietly notice your thoughts and practice letting them go. Over time, increase the length of the meditation.

4.        Yoga is a moving meditation, whether you do it at home or in a class.

SPEEDING UP

You may be in need of some physical activity to get you back in to your body. If you feel heavy or lethargic, or if your thoughts seem cloudy, consider trying the following:

·   Head outside and take a brisk walk.

·   Go for a bike ride around your neighborhood.

·   Take a dance class, or turn on music that makes you feel like moving, and just dance around the house by yourself.

THE GREAT OUTDOORS

Nature is very healing.  Even if you live in an urban place without much greenery, spending time in nature can be as simple as going to a park, or even leaning against a tree while waiting for the bus. If you live in the suburbs, find opportunities to get out of the car or the house. Walk on the grass in your bare feet. Plant a garden, large or small.

BE CREATIVE

·   Pick up a craft project you have been meaning to finish or wanting to start.

·   Learning a new skill, especially one that allows you to express your creative side, can be transformative. Try knitting or sewing, taking a pottery class, or learning a new language.

·   Or buy a can of paint and take a brush to that beige wall you’ve always thought would look great in canary yellow.

·   Cleaning, organizing, re-arranging furniture - all of these transformations of the space around you are creative acts that can bring freshness and ease into your life.  

COOKING AND EATING INTENTIONALLY

Take the time to eat healthily. If that feels too daunting, start with a few healthy changes in your diet. The act of cooking, whether for yourself or someone else, is an opportunity to slow down and savor the delight of creating great food.

You get the idea.  When you are in distress, take good care of yourself.   As a health care provider I am on your team, and you are the team leader.