Monday Fun Day

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I am so used to people experiencing Monday morning as a drag, or disappointing, or the worst day of the week.  This morning I was greeted at my gym by a new staff person who told me he loved Mondays.  I feel fairly certain I shook my head like dogs in the movies, what?!   I needed a moment to take it in.  A celebration?!  I am all over this one!

My reply.  “Of course.  If you love your life, Mondays are wonderful”.  We shared a moment of joy.

Opportunity knocks.

This guy (I’ll call him Mike) told me he sees Mondays as a time to reset.  That Monday is an opportunity to think about what you want to happen and Monday is the perfect day to hit the refresh button.

William James, commonly referred to as the "Father of American Psychology" and working in the late 1800s, would agree with my new friend Mike.  His quote “The sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness . . . is to sit up cheerfully, to look round cheerfully, and to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there. . . To wrestle with a bad feeling only pins our attention on it, and keeps it still fastened in the mind.” speaks to this.

Interesting thing is, that my experience changed in this shared moment with Mike.  Not only was I relieved of my dread of hearing someone share with me the usual ‘Mondays suck’.  I wasn’t even aware of it til he said something different.  I felt surprisingly both relieved and happy.  As pack animals, humans are neurologically hardwired to respond to the emotions of another human to determine safety, etc.  Who we hang out with makes a big difference in the quality of our lives.  [I will write more ~one day ~ on the science behind this.  For now, just for grins, assume it is true].

Even more compelling is that it works the other way as well.  What you think, say and do impacts all the people around you. 

DEEP REFLECTION:

What experience are you promoting for the people you say you care about?

Practice:

Next time you find you want to share a complaint with a friend or loved love, first consider how that will impact their health.  Knowing that some of the distress you are feeling will likely be experienced by that person (think about it like second hand smoke).  With that in mind, what would you like to experience yourself and for your friend as well?  Is whatever you are about to say necessary?  It is helpful?  Is it actually even true? 

Say this, not that.

Of course I am going to go here.  NEEDS.  I am a broken record inviting you to think about your needs before doing or saying anything.  Two ways I am suggesting here. 

First, consider the need you want to meet by communicating with your friend.  Is the complaint going to meet it?  Is there something else that might be more effective?  What is something that you can say that shares the truth of what is alive for you, and might generate more enthusiasm, power in your world and connection between the two of you as well.

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The other is to consider what needs of yours is meeting to be involved with work or whatever it is that you actually don’t like (or dread?) Mondays.  What needs are met by your choice of this job, or lifestyle?  If you focus on the choice you are making, rather than believing the idea that whatever is happening is completely outside of your control.  You might find a sense of empowerment and freedom by doing this.   

Then truly Monday (and every day ~ for the most part) can be FunDay!

Upping Your Gratitude Game

I spent this past week with my long time partner Steve.  Both SuperGeeks for Nonviolent Communication we tend to talk about and philosophize about how to be, do and teach NVC a great deal of the time when we are together.  A cool thing happened this visit.

We usually put together a list of things we might do upon my arrival.  After our trip to see the eclipse [a truly ecstatic experience], we chose to participate in more projects than we originally anticipated while I was in North Carolina.  It made for tight scheduling, lots of thinking, and lots of opportunity to be in distress. 

We began to notice our capacity to ‘forget to enjoy life’ and even drop into complaint (albeit only in tone of voice at times), with some regularity and we decided to support ourselves in finding joy!  Steve’s request was to support his return to joy by inviting him to share what he is grateful for if and when I noticed his grumpy attitude.  He was far grumpier than I, and more often than I, in my opinion (hehe).

What Happened?

What ended up happening was pretty amazing and fun!

Working on some hard, complicated projects late into the night, we had a few [read more than you might imagine] opportunities to implement our plan.  What ended up happening, is the both of us spontaneously just broke into gratitudes if the other had complaint energy. This happened instead of me reminding him…or him reminding me.  It seemed more efficient somehow – not that either of us thought about it – to just begin announcing our gratitudes.  Because of our competitive nature the other would then start calling out their gratitudes too! 

It was so much fun!  All of a sudden I would hear Steve scream out, “I love my knees!, I appreciate the sun!,  I am so grateful for my life!”  In an instant I knew I must have had complaint energy and broke out into my own shouts of appreciation, “I love my hair!, My body supports me!, I love my fingernails!”  And then we would laugh and laugh.   Instant energy shift.

More than joy.

While this new way of being was just delightful, we noticed something more.  Pretty much all the week something new happened consistently.

Here are a few examples. 

This same project we were working on late into the night.  We were putting something together that we bought online.  We were pretty certain that critical parts were missing.  As we got bummed out and found our joy again, we decided to just keep going until we could not continue without the missing part.  Our friend walked in to check up on our progress.  He was one of the people we were hoping to contribute to by doing this.   We told him of our dilemma of the missing pieces.  Instantly he noticed that two pieces were connected and in fact, not missing!  Not only were we able to celebrate his saving the day, we were able to complete the job that night!

It turned out that I needed to buy new tires while in Asheville.  This was very much NOT part of our plan and since I was driving home 600 miles the next day, my safety became the priority need.  We were also hosting an event that evening – just hours away that we wanted to create materials for.  We decided to work while waiting.  The tire place was in strip mall. 

Not wanting to sit inside and breathe the fresh scent of rubber tires in the store, we were looking to a teeny strip of green to sit on and get to work.  We had a few opportunities to shout our gratitudes – needless to say.  The most astounding part was how easy this was to do.

We walked toward the far end of the lot.  What did we find?  A park!  At a river’s edge.  With tables and benches.  Lots of green space and quiet.  Right there.  [Steve has lived in Asheville for close to 20 years, and been to that strip mall many, many times, never knowing it was that this park was tucked away in the back corner of the parking lot, just for context of the miraculousness of this].

We Upped Our Gratitude Game

Steve and I were crystal clear that staying in the gratitude consciousness ~ upping our gratitude game ~ allowed some kind of opening for us to create and/or to see what we were hoping for.  Consistently.  It was remarkable.

Say This Not That

I would like you to take my word for it, and just do this too.  And, it really doesn’t matter.  Don’t take my word for it and just do this.

Find a buddy, or do it on your own.  Commit to changing your point of view the instant you notice you want to complain.  Try it for a day.  Or better yet a week.  I will be curious to read your comments to hear what happens for you!

What is a Domination System?

One of the most powerful things I have read recently.

A short read offering clarity about how we are where we are culturally.   I also have some hope that we can indeed be on the long road back to our former coherence (as Thomas Berry wrote).

This comes from the book Humanizing Health Care, by Melanie Sears, RN, MBA.  (page 23).  Brilliant.

What is a Domination System?

Domination structures were developed thousands of years ago when our ancestors moved from small-scale gardening to larger-scale farming.  Because physical strength was needed to handle plows and other implements of mass food production, physically strong men found themselves increasingly in positions of power, and systems of domination began to evolve.  A cultural spiritual shift occurred at this time away from reverence fro live and pleasure and toward domination and pain.  In order to maintain rigid rankings of domination, violence and abuse became institutionalized and (as with unprosecuted mail violence of both warfare and the war of the sexes) bound up with gender-specific socialization processes.

In domination systems, there are two roles:  Those who dominate and those who are dominated.  Those on top control those below and benefit from their position at the expense of others.  Those who are dominated often come to believe that they, too, benefit from the perpetuation of the domination system--after all, "Father Knows Best."  The system is held in place through fear and force and through patters of thinking that polarize complex feelings and experiences into strict categories:  right or wrong, good or bad, us or them, punishment or reward.

Can you ever WIN an argument?

I did a bit of research on this.  I wanted to see if there are actual guidelines about this.  Whether I looked up how to win a debate, or win an argument, what is being offered is about keeping calm, use logic, ask questions.  I found an Inc.com article that says, “Gather your thoughts before you deliver the zinger”.  Zinger? 

What I haven’t found in my research is the criteria that defines WIN.  Often subjective ~ as in our political debates, the press (and each candidate) announces the winner (based on some undisclosed, not so obvious and very biased criteria.)  Obviously in this case, each candidate declares themselves the winner.  Then we (the witnesses) either agree or disagree.  This might work in politics when the goal of the debate is to get votes.

In tennis as an example, there is a clear structure, an agreed to point system, an agreed to court size, apparel and racket constraints, etc.  In other sports there are always well-defined rules whether it is time, a court or field, a point system, conduct constraints.

Following this thought through, if you are going to have an argument with someone and you want to win it, it would be wise then to set up the structure that you both agree on about who wins.  Otherwise the argument continues until either one or the other or both declare themselves the winner. This can look like ending the relationship, allowing us to continue to believe we are right about what we think, and most often continue to be in some level of upset with the other person ongoing.  Possibly it dissipates in intensity over time, and more likely not.  Just notice how you feel the instant you spot this person a year later!

Make some rules.

So if you really want to win, rather than just declaring yourself the winner, get
with your conflict rival and set up some rules for winning.

Taking this step actually requires listening, connection, mutual understanding and agreement.  Part of what will need to become clear to you both is what is the purpose of winning?  What will be better in your life if you win?  Understanding?  More connection and shared reality?  

I am guessing you can see where this is leading?!

In the context of Nonviolent Communication and creating a quality of connection where everyone’s needs matter and get met, the very act of taking this step [reminder:  step = talking and making agreements] is how you win an argument!