Relationship Agreements ~ Who Needs Them?

Are you in a relationship?  With anyone?  In reality we are in relationship with everyone we meet or even walk by.  It is with some unspoken agreement that if you walk by someone that you do or don’t say hello (or make eye contact).

Let’s at this point just consider the important ones.  Significant other, workmates, friends, business partners, family.  Are you crystal clear about the roles you are each agreeing to?  How do you know?

How much time have you spent making explicit agreements as your relationship(s) evolved?  In my business I find that it is only when you disagree that you realize the answer to that question.  And usually it is ‘not enough’.

When we get together with people it is usually because we have some affinity.  We like what they say, what they are doing, how they look, etc.  We talk and we are mostly relating to our imagination of who that person is because we can’t possibly know.  And because we are limited to using words (mostly) to communicate, we don’t know until we do that when you said a particular word, they imagined something completely different than you did.  And most often, there is no way to know it.  We thought we were in complete agreement!

TRY THIS EXERCISE:

Take a minute to get comfortable.  Now I am going to give you a word and I want you to fully imagine it in your head.  Get a clear picture. 

MOTHER

Okay…what (who) did you imagine?  Maybe your own mom, maybe mother earth, maybe your children?  Possibly there are more than one image, activities that you did with your mom, the special time you baked a birthday cake together, and/or particular feelings.  Maybe your image conjured up feelings of nurturing, or possibly the opposite, maybe disappointment.

Can you now imagine anyone else having the exact same image(s) in their minds as you?

Probably not.

Let’s use the example of TREE…imagine a tree. 

Likely no one else has the exact same image as you.  Yet, when you talk you agree that you love trees, maybe you move in together and completely agree that you are going to plant trees.  It may not be until you get to the nursery that you realize you had been imagining completely different things all along.  You wanted a huge maple tree and your partner imagined a row of fruit trees.

This is when communication, self-awareness, care, compassion, curiosity (all the skills that Nonviolent Communication teaches) are critical.

Even when you do ‘have an agreement’, you may realize you can’t really count on an agreement with someone else.  It may be simply because language and filters get in the way of actual understanding as in the examples above, simply different images/experiences are imagined when we speak.  And, as often happens, it may be that the other person simply does something other than what they agreed to do.  Possibly even just minutes or days after they made the agreement.

It really doesn’t matter what the agreements are or why the outside agreement is no longer in effect.  What matters ultimately are your agreements with yourself.  What needs/values you are committed to.  Knowing this leads to confidence and trust.  Confidence that you will trust yourself no matter what.  Trust yourself to get your own needs met.  Confidence that what ever the circumstance, you have other resources and/or strategies to get your needs met.

I am not suggesting that we don’t make agreements with others.  I am full on in support of making agreements and often.  However, I am encouraging you to stay out of the trap of depending on someone else to do what they agree to in order to be happy.  The more you can keep your own agreements to your values, the more resourceful and creative you will be in connecting to life, meaning what is actually happening, and ask for what you want.  Which may or may not include the person who just broke the agreement.

Do I Trust You? (part 2 of a series)

Trust.  Commitment.  These are important elements in a relationship.  I’m sure you will agree.  But how does it look in a healthy relationship?  That we may not agree on.  Please read on.

If you watch as much television and see the same movies as I do, possibly you yearn to hear someone say, “I am committed to you”.  Or long to be in a relationship so you can say, “We are committed to each other”.   It sounds so romantic.  And as soon as that happens you will live happily ever after.  Quite alluring.  And I think, UNdoable.

But the pull is real.  So use it for your advantage.  Ask yourself why would you commit to someone?  What NEEDS will be met?  What kind of experiences are you hoping to have more of?  (possibly safety, security, partnership, love, inspiration?)  These questions will enable you to determine if being in a relationship with the person you are committed to is, indeed, an effective strategy for the experiences you say you want.   I suggest you (both you and your partner), commit to those needs and values rather than to each other.  

Compare these two scenarios:

Scenario One:

You have found the love of your life.  You are committed to each other.  It is yummy.  As humans, you begin the relationship by projecting your hopes and dreams onto the other person.  (And, after a while you will begin to project your fears onto this person...but I’ll save that for another article).  You like the same movies, you are both interested in art, and reading the Sunday times in bed.  You both want a house and two kids. Everything is going to be great.   Fast forward two years.  Your partner lost his job 10 months ago.  You discovered recently that it wasn’t due to a cut-back in his office, rather he got into a fight with a co-worker, and then published some private information about that person on facebook.  Your partner was not the person who gave you this news.  He is now interested in accepting a job halfway across the country.  It would require you leaving your job of 7 years, where you will be vested in an 401k in just 2 more years (I made that up, please forgive that I know nothing of 401k plans).  For the past 6 months you have been happily providing the finances that support you and your partner.  You ask your partner for a conversation about your concerns about his leaving out some details about how he was fired from his job, and your dwindling bank account and moving.  His response is, “I didn’t think I could tell you what happened, and this is why.  You don’t have my back.  I can’t believe you even talked to so-and-so.  I thought you were committed to me.  If you love me, you wouldn’t be making it so hard for me to take this new job.  Its perfect for me.”

If you are committed to him, what are your choices?  It seems that he is no longer committed to you, although if you ask him, he will say of course he is, that is why he wants to take the job.  To support you.  Even though that isn’t what you want in order to feel supported.  He is committed to you, you are committed to him and now it doesn’t seem much like how you imagined it in the beginning.  I see years of arguments increasing in volume and distress, until one of you blames the other one enough to finally feel justified in breaking your original commitment.  Painful.

Scenario Two:

You have found the love of your life.  You are so happy when you are with each other.  It is yummy.  As humans, you begin the relationship by projecting your hopes and dreams onto the other person.  You like the same movies, you are both interested in art, and reading the Sunday times in bed.  You both want a house and two kids. Everything is going to be great. 

As you deepen your relationship you take the time to discuss what is important to you individually and as a couple.  For example, you might say to you partner, “I am hoping to have an experience of collaboration, fun, trust and honesty inside this relationship”. To support that outcome, you each agree to have weekly check-ins, you decide that you want to dedicate time to hear the important things that are happening in each other careers, etc.  In addition, you decide to have monthly check-ins about how you feel about the relationship.  Maybe this is where you get to say, “Last Tuesday, when you decided to go out with friends, and didn’t invite me, or let me know, I felt disappointed.  I made a roast for dinner, and I would have loved to have had more of an opportunity to make plans with my mom, had I known in advance.  When we talked about collaboration, this is what I had in mind.  I’d love to know how it worked out the way it did, why you didn’t let me know ahead of time.”  This gives him an opportunity to express himself about what happened – from the agreement to collaboration and trust.  Fast forward two years.  Your partner lost his job 6 months prior – in the same way as the previous scenario.  He told you about it, how it happened, and how he felt about it.  Now he wants to take a job halfway across the country and has asked you to move with him.

The conversation might look more like, “Honey, I understand you want to support me, and I am having trouble trusting that this move will provide the support I am looking for, given the circumstances of the past year.  I am not prepared to give up the security I have in my career, for the possibility that your job may work out.  How about you go out for 3 months, and I stay here.  I will continue to contribute ½ of the financial support during those three months.  I am hoping that we can feel supported by each other again in this arrangement, as we work our way toward finding more trust, collaboration and comfort in our relationship.  In 3 months, let’s talk about how it is and isn’t working, and what kind of changes we’d like to make then.  How do you feel about this arrangement?”

If you are committed to the experience of trust, honesty, collaboration, your actions are in response to that.  Meaning, that even if your partner ‘lies’ to you, your response to that would be one of collaboration and trust and honesty.  Rather than blame.  Remember that what you say and do will be to increase the experience you are looking to have. If it turns out that this person has changed their commitment, and is longer interested in the same values you agreed to, then your choices become more clear. 

 

There may be many reasons to stay in the relationship – other needs that are getting met.  You may choose to get your collaboration needs met in other ways, and modify your expectations about that inside this relationship so that you feel more contentment.   Not giving up...but choosing new strategies to get more needs met.   There is no arguing in this case.  It still may be difficult and sad to change the relationship, mourning the loss of a certain quality of connection, yet there is actually trust, collaboration and honesty inside the re-working of what NEEDS you are both committed to inside the relationship now.

In the second scenario, where you are committed to NEEDS being met, there is so much more freedom to choose the perfect relationship in every moment.  NEEDS and values change, people change, dreams change.  Are you able and willing to notice what’s alive in you now, know what is important to you for your life and commit to that inside any relationship you have moment by moment?

Feeling Rejected?

If you are on Facebook, you probably see many of the same quotes I do.  They are meant to inspire us or make us laugh or cause us to see something in a different light. I’ve read this one a few times as it’s made the rounds, and each time I’ve felt a thud in my stomach.

My intuition tells me that this quote is more likely to keep people stuck than set them free.  So I’d like to tease out what troubles me about it.

What does it mean to feel rejected?

What happened that you interpreted as rejection?  Did someone turn down your invitation to lunch? Did someone you were interested in fail to reciprocate your interest? For the author of the quote, rejection equals sadness. But must you feel sad (or hurt or upset or depressed) when someone turns you down?

If we dig a little deeper into your mind, the reason that you feel sad (or bad or hurt) when someone rejects what you have offered is because you already believe you are not good enough.  Your brain has a way of interpreting the facts to support your beliefs about yourself. This person didn’t want to go out with me; therefore, he must not think I’m good enough.

You can’t always believe what you think.

Bill Harris [www.centerpointe.com] attributes this process of interpretation to what he calls the Internal Map of Reality.  It works like this:  You receive some kind of input from the environment.  As it comes in, this sensory input is filtered. Filters include your beliefs, values, memories, past decisions, the language you speak, information you have retained, and on and on.  Filters delete, distort, and generalize the input as it comes in, based on the way your Internal Map of Reality has been set up to filter, all of which happens in a split second.  And though you’re aware of some of this, almost all of it is going on outside your conscious awareness.

Your Internal Map of Reality organizes information that you receive from the environment. Helpful, right? Most of the time, yes. Except when somebody turns you down for an invitation to the movies, and this “rejection” is instantly filed with the other evidence that proves you are not good enough. When you feel bad about a supposed rejection, keep your attention on what actually happened. Did my friend tell me I wasn’t good enough? No! She just declined an invitation to go to the movies.

If nothing is wrong with me, then something must be wrong with you.

In the second part of this message, there is an implied obligation.  They should have accepted what you offered. If they aren’t interested, then there must be something wrong with them. But isn’t this really a demand?  They must like you, or else. 

Why should we expect everyone to like us? Do you like everyone you meet? Do you say yes to every invitation?  Do you get in a relationship with everyone you meet?  Of course not! It doesn’t make sense.

If you truly believe that what who you are is good enough, then you will be confident that someone will be attracted to you, and you won’t be hurt every time someone is not interested. I like to think of a golden retriever I once knew.  That golden retriever ran around to each person she met - pet me! pet me!  Even when pushed away, she just tried again.

Compassion is the key.

When you offer something that is precious to you and someone says no, you may think

 the person doesn’t value you. Rather than address what you already believe about yourself - “I must not be good enough” - you tell yourself there is something wrong with the other person.  But as I say and write over and over, there is nothing wrong with anyone. Maybe you didn’t clearly express what you wanted, or the other person just didn’t understand. Or maybe the other person truly didn’t want what you were offering. That’s okay.  

Remember that compassion - for yourself and others - is the key to keeping a rejection from turning into “feeling rejected”.  Keep in mind that the person you are making a request of also operates under the influence of an Internal Map of Reality. Perhaps they would have liked to say yes but simply lack the confidence, courage or understanding to do so.  Listen for what meaning they long for, and stay present to that, rather than your own stories.  You may be surprised at what happens when you respond to rejection in this way.

Ask for what you want.

Access your inner golden retriever and ask, ask, ask for what you want.  And don’t let getting a no become more than it is.  

Life and Death

I have recently experienced the death of someone close to me.  The suddenness of this loss reminds me how fragile life is.

My concerns, thoughts, and worries had certainly not been on this ‘healthy’ person. I had been preparing for others close to me to  make this transition, contemplating how their passing would affect my life.  Not Tom.  Tom was slow, steady, strong.  He was here for the long haul.  

Now, immersed in Tom’s personal papers, his things, awash in stories and memories of what he meant to people, I am reminded of the significance of every moment we live.

I don’t, however, want to write about his life.  I am writing about life.  What do we do with it?  We have it for some unspecified amount of time.  We share it with some people in a deep way, with others in a more superficial way, and somehow - albeit unknown - we share it with those billions of people who are here for the same moment we are but whom we will never meet.

Intention has been the theme of my life and my practice in recent years - knowing why, in every moment, I do and say the things I do.  But what’s the grand intention?  Is there a purpose to life?  To my life?  To your life?  I believe it is up to each of us.  We get to decide.

Cosmological physicist Brian Swimme says:

“At the very, very beginning, the universe comes into existence and these various forms of matter experience an attraction for each other. So that very attraction is what gave rise to our existence in our consciousness. In a way, the purpose of human beings is to reflect love, is to be self-aware of love, is to be conscious about love, is to be that conscious expression of love, as far as we know, in the universe.”

If you knew you had a short time to live, would you spend that time being angry at someone for cutting you off on the highway?  Or holding a grudge with your friend for forgetting to send a birthday card?  Would you spend it judging people for how they eat?  Or holding off saying something important?  Or would you choose to spend your time left cherishing every minute?  And if you chose to cherish every moment, what would you be doing? How would you being doing it, and with whom?

I encourage you to give these questions some thought, some energy, some action.  Why put it off?  For every moment you are alive, know your intentions and act on them.  For yourself, and for those you will leave behind.  

This poem by Dawna Markova, offers me inspiration and describes the grand intention for my life, which I consciously choose in every moment that I can remember.   What’s yours?

I will not live an unlived life.

I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire.

I choose to inhabit my days,

to allow my living to open me,

to make me less afraid, more accessible,

to loosen my heart

until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise.

I choose to risk my significance;

to live,

so that which came to me as seed

goes to the next as blossom,

and that which came to me as blossom,

goes on as fruit.

What Does Love Have to do With it?

It’s February and everyone’s thinking and talking about love.  I’m reading all kinds of posts and ideas about love.  Some examples are:   “First, love yourself.” and “Don’t only let love in, let your love out.”  I have also seen a workshop offered entitled “Fall in love with yourself this Season!”  While what they are offering at this workshop looks delightful, I feel concerned when I hear this language.  I’m not sure its possible.  And now, during our cultural preparation for Valentine’s Day, women (mostly) get to feel more lonely and sad, because they are not able to ‘love themselves” or find someone to “love them”.

In my view love is not a verb.  How can you ‘love’ someone?  You can’t.  You can only say and do things that you think will give someone an experience of love.  For example, I might make you a favorite dish for dinner.  I’m hoping you will have an experience of caring and love by my doing that.  I might make the bed, clean the house, go to work, rub your back when you ask.  These are the things we can do.  They are verbs, actions. 

Love is a need. Like all needs, love is an energy we get to experience.  It is not something you do or something someone does for you.  If you want to experience more love in you life, there are many ways that it can happen.  However, when you believe you must receive it from someone else (especially only 1 person) – or in some magical way give it to yourself, you are actually limiting the possibilities for getting that need met.  You are decreasing the likelihood that you will have more of it in your life.  It is not resourceful.  The thought is not helping you.

Consider this.  If I cook dinner for you because I am excited about you having an experience of love, then in that moment, I am also having the experience of love.  Love isn’t something I am giving you or getting from you.  I am giving you dinner.  The life energy being experienced, in this case love, is shared.  Always.

If I want to experience more love (which is what I am guessing people mean when they say love yourself), then I can do things that give me the experience of love.  Meaning, I can make a friend dinner, rub someone’s back, send a lovely card to someone, offer a helping hand, etc.  It is not necessary that someone do those things for me for me to have an experience of love. 

You can get into emotional trouble when you link an experience with the strategy -- how you intend to have that experience.  Said another way, thinking “I need love.” is resourceful.  Thinking “I need you to love me.” is not resourceful.  Certainly, you may like to have people in your life who care about you and do nice things for you.  It is one way that you can experience love—or ease, nurturing, compassion, etc.  It is important to know, however, that it is not the only way for you to have those experiences in your life.  If that is your belief, then it is no wonder why you cling to people, hold on, or get mad when they don’t do what you want.  You think your needs will never get met if they, in particular, won’t meet them.  

I’d like to mention another thing I notice, especially now, during Valentine’s Day.  Do you hope and pray, in (sometimes) desperate silence, that your special someone will ‘love’ you.  What is the silence all about?  I hear so many times from friends and clients, “I don’t want to have to ask them.  If they loved me they would just do it!”  Please consider asking.  Ask for specifically what you would like done that would give you an experience of love, and ask what you might say or do that so that your special someone might have more of an experience of love.  Often what we want is quite different from what they want.  That’s a good thing to know. 

How many arguments start with “You don’t love me!”  “Yes I do!”?   Since we measure if someone loves us or not by what they say and do, take responsibility for getting more of what you want in your life, be specific and ask.  Hopefully, who you ask, how you ask, and how you ‘be and have been’ will encourage compassionate giving, and the desire to contribute to each other’s lives in the ways that you both like.

Finally, when you want someone you care about to feel loved, instead of saying “I love you, try saying what is happening that you love.  For a few reasons.  One, it is what is so.  ‘I love you’ is vague.  Their first thought might be, “Why do you love me?” or “Oh no, what do they want now?”  If a person had a childhood where love meant work, then saying I love you to someone may promote feelings of distress for that person, rather than comfort and warmth.  If you are specific, they may like hearing what you say, and do it again.  For example, you might say, “I am feeling so inspired and delighted right now being here with you and having this conversation.  I so enjoy and appreciate hearing your viewpoint about the events of the day and I really like being all cuddled up together while we talk.  I feel safe and calm and nurtured.”  This, I believe, anyone will understand.

And really finally, please remember how I started this article – hearing the words, “love yourself first”.  When you are doing things so that another can have an experience of love (partner, friend, family member or stranger) then you are also immersed in the living energy of love.  That’s how you can love yourself.