Terrie’s Rules of Etiquette

To the disappointment of my trainer, I often read magazines while on the elliptical machine at the gym.  A favorite is Real Simple Magazine.  I like the pictures, quotes, suggestions and some articles, though I often find myself disagreeing with the advice given in the Life Lessons section.  Here’s an example:

Question:

My cousin, who lives one state away is a terrible hostess.  Her home is such a mess (think soiled clothes and piles of paper in the hallway) that I’m not comfortable having my family stay there when we visit.  However, I don’t want to hurt her feelings by confronting her about her bad housekeeping.  What should I do?

Answer:

You’re right to stay away from chastising your cousin.  Unless your family’s health or welfare is directly affected (for example, your child has an allergy to dust), it’s not your place to critique her homemaking.

Of course, you are under no obligation to put up with it either.  Why not simply stay with a friend, if you have one nearby, or in a hotel?  If she asks why you’re bunking elsewhere, avoid hurting her feelings by saying, “You’ve been so generous to host my family and overlook the disruption that a lot of guests cause.  I want to see you, but without creating so much hassle.  With any luck, she’ll thank you for being so considerate.

When I first read this article I was nodding my head up until the part when the author tells the advice-seeker to lie to her cousin. Of course she should stay somewhere else if she feels uncomfortable with the surroundings in her cousin’s home; a sense of obligation is not a good reason to do anything. However, by being dishonest or evasive about her reasons for doing so, she misses a chance build connection and understanding in her relationship with her cousin.

WHAT WE VALUE

We all have opinions about what people do, how they live, and what they say. The problem comes when we believe that our assessment is the ‘right’ one.  What we think is neither right nor wrong.  It is just a mechanism to help us determine what we value.  In this case, the writer values order and cleanliness as well as family and connection. 

LETTING GO OF JUDGMENTS

Just because we do not like the way someone does something, in this case, housekeeping, does not mean that we must judge the person as wrong for doing it that way.  By letting go of judgments and using language that emphasizes connection - for example, asking with curiosity and concern about why the house looks the way it does - we promote understanding.  

CONNECTION, NOT CONFRONTATION

For the advice seeker to lie about what is going on for her, or keep it to herself and hope that “she’ll thank you for being so considerate” seems at best misguided and at worst mean-spirited. This strategy assumes that expressing her desires will necessarily result in conflict or hurt feelings. 

SAYING WHAT IS TRUE

In this case, there really is no need for confrontation or lying, nor to express condescension regarding the cousin’s housekeeping skills. Nothing needs to be said about the house at all. Rather than saying, “I don’t want to disrupt you”, which is not true, she could say, “I feel more comfortable staying at a hotel”, which is true. By saying what is true and letting go of the belief that the cousin needs to organize her house in a particular way, the connection between the two of them can deepen.  

LIVING FROM THE HEART

Sharing what is really alive in our hearts seems so difficult, but by doing so we open up a world of possibilities for personal freedom, connection and satisfaction.  In this case, the advice-seeker would do well to recognize her own values- her preference for cleanliness and her concern for her cousin’s emotions - and ask for what she wants with honesty and compassion. While the short-term outcome might be the same - she’ll stay elsewhere - long term, her willingness to live from the heart can’t help but bring the two cousins closer.

Is ETIQUETTE another way to determine BLAME?

Today I was reading my November issue of Real Simple Magazine. While I most often read magazines from back to front (some kinesthetic thing?) this time I began in the front. I got to the section entitled "Life Lessons" -- Modern Manners written by Julie Rottenberg. OK. Life lessons. This is very important stuff. With the holidays approaching, and entertaining on everyone's mind, the etiquette dilemma of the month is: How long should you wait for latecomers before you go ahead and eat? The article starts out interestingly enough posing the question, hearing a bit about the author's childhood and how she overcame it. Finally we get to what Ms. Rottenberg advises is appropriate. "...a grace period is assumed. After that, feed the prompt, hungry guests. By that point, it's the latecomers who are rude, and the onus is on them to be apologetic, not you." She continues with her advice. "That's not to say you need to unduly punish these people. I beg you to resist the temptation to guilt-trip." In fact she advocates greeting your tardy friends with open arms, throwing in "Oh, we just sat down! no matter what course you're on when they knock on the door."
How can this possibly be considered good etiquette?! Judging your friends, and then lying to them about how you feel? It is no wonder to me that people have a harder and harder time getting along with each other. This is exactly how resentments build up over time. One person decides that their friend behaved badly. They don't mention it (because 'etiquette' says not to). Somehow they expect their friend to just intuit how they feel and acknowledge the bad behavior (with an apology or remorse, or a viable excuse). When this doesn't happen, they add more blame and judgments on the friend's shoulders and continue to keep it all hush, hush. (We don't like to be perceived as judgmental after all!)
I think there is a better solution. How about instead of judging and lying, we try talking and listening. Indeed there is a way to instantly make connection with the tardy guest when they arrive. My suggestion is to reveal to your friends how you feel, (you might be hurt, nervous or anxious) and what your concern is (cold dinner, their safety, the party not dragging on too late), sans judgment of their actions. And, ask them to do the same, if they are willing. You may just discover something very interesting about your friend, that of course etiquette advises them not to. Maybe they get nervous when in a group of people, or they didn't have enough money to buy a hostess gift and they were scrambling for an hour trying to find something that showed their appreciation for your invitation. Please everyone, talk with your friends! Reveal not your judgments, but your feelings. This will promote connection, communication and understanding. Isn't that why we have friends and invite them over to dinner?