Pain, Pain Go Away!

This article is about pain.  And bullying.  And how I think they are related.

I am writing this because of the ways I have heard people talk about their pain over the years.  Overall, I hear a sense that the pain being the problem at hand, the thing you need to get rid of so you may get back to the things you were doing in life.  I understand the role of pain differently.  Pain is your body’s mechanism of letting you know how your life is going.  Your signal to do more or less of something.  It’s an information relay system.  It’s brilliant when we use it properly.

Somehow people relating to their own pain reminded of a novel I read entitled Nineteen Minutes.  Author Jodi Piccoult takes us through the life of her son, who is the perpetrator of a high school mass shooting.  As it happened, I was moved by how much understanding I had for this 17 year old when he made this choice in life.  Given how many times he asked for help and how many times he was thrown back into the fire – by loving and ‘sensitive’ parents. In his mind, this was the best way he could take his ‘power’ back.  It was so compelling.

It has been quite a while since I read it, and what I remember is being taken through a story of a young boy’s [Peter Houghton] life, beginning with innocence and play, and then when school starts, he begins to get bullied, first on the bus, then more and more in school, loses his best friend, and each time he tells his mother, she can’t really hear what is happening for him.  She is doing the best she can, intends the best for him, and yet, repeatedly sends him back for more without offering new skills or ideas on how to do things differently.   She was so invested in her own story about how this all should be handled that she wasn’t able to hear his pleas!   The impact of that was devastating.

Are you bullying yourself?  Your pain, your symptoms, your emotions are your body’s only way to bring to your consciousness – to your attention that something is amiss.  Most likely, your body had been giving you signals all along, only in ways that you could not interpret, or that you ignored.  Something less than pain.  Think of it like this...your body is like little Peter Houghton saying over and over, please help me.  Yet we just tell ourselves that everything is or should be ok.  Or we take something to make those pesky symptoms go away, so we don’t feel anything at all, and then go right back to doing what has been making us sick or sad.  In this culture, feeling nothing is considered much better than feeling sad.  In other words, ignoring our own pleas.  Until our body gives us no choice but to listen...for example:  cancer, heart attacks, strokes, autoimmune diseases of all sorts, debilitating back pain.  Pain or diseases that immediately threaten our lives. 

Instead, I’m suggesting that you become more sensitive to your feelings, discover your needs, trust your body and respond accordingly.  Listen with a curiosity.  Treat your pain as an indicator that your body’s warning system is working perfectly, rather than an idea of failure.  For example:  If you eat something bad, and you get diarrhea or throw up, you may feel bad, but it would be much worse if your system didn’t have a mechanism to get the poison out.  Forcing our bodies to ‘hold it in’ would be significantly painful, and ultimately impossible.  It is with this same understanding and respect that all (or at least most of our ‘symptoms) could be treated.

In general, we are united against bullying, and would stand up for anyone who is asking for help.  This is a now famous video from Jonah Mowry: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdkNn3Ei-Lg  which has brought many of us to tears. 

Please think about considering yourself, your pain, your feelings, and emotions with the same tenderness and care that you would a little child asking for help.  Please stop bullying yourself.

What Does Love Have to do With it?

It’s February and everyone’s thinking and talking about love.  I’m reading all kinds of posts and ideas about love.  Some examples are:   “First, love yourself.” and “Don’t only let love in, let your love out.”  I have also seen a workshop offered entitled “Fall in love with yourself this Season!”  While what they are offering at this workshop looks delightful, I feel concerned when I hear this language.  I’m not sure its possible.  And now, during our cultural preparation for Valentine’s Day, women (mostly) get to feel more lonely and sad, because they are not able to ‘love themselves” or find someone to “love them”.

In my view love is not a verb.  How can you ‘love’ someone?  You can’t.  You can only say and do things that you think will give someone an experience of love.  For example, I might make you a favorite dish for dinner.  I’m hoping you will have an experience of caring and love by my doing that.  I might make the bed, clean the house, go to work, rub your back when you ask.  These are the things we can do.  They are verbs, actions. 

Love is a need. Like all needs, love is an energy we get to experience.  It is not something you do or something someone does for you.  If you want to experience more love in you life, there are many ways that it can happen.  However, when you believe you must receive it from someone else (especially only 1 person) – or in some magical way give it to yourself, you are actually limiting the possibilities for getting that need met.  You are decreasing the likelihood that you will have more of it in your life.  It is not resourceful.  The thought is not helping you.

Consider this.  If I cook dinner for you because I am excited about you having an experience of love, then in that moment, I am also having the experience of love.  Love isn’t something I am giving you or getting from you.  I am giving you dinner.  The life energy being experienced, in this case love, is shared.  Always.

If I want to experience more love (which is what I am guessing people mean when they say love yourself), then I can do things that give me the experience of love.  Meaning, I can make a friend dinner, rub someone’s back, send a lovely card to someone, offer a helping hand, etc.  It is not necessary that someone do those things for me for me to have an experience of love. 

You can get into emotional trouble when you link an experience with the strategy -- how you intend to have that experience.  Said another way, thinking “I need love.” is resourceful.  Thinking “I need you to love me.” is not resourceful.  Certainly, you may like to have people in your life who care about you and do nice things for you.  It is one way that you can experience love—or ease, nurturing, compassion, etc.  It is important to know, however, that it is not the only way for you to have those experiences in your life.  If that is your belief, then it is no wonder why you cling to people, hold on, or get mad when they don’t do what you want.  You think your needs will never get met if they, in particular, won’t meet them.  

I’d like to mention another thing I notice, especially now, during Valentine’s Day.  Do you hope and pray, in (sometimes) desperate silence, that your special someone will ‘love’ you.  What is the silence all about?  I hear so many times from friends and clients, “I don’t want to have to ask them.  If they loved me they would just do it!”  Please consider asking.  Ask for specifically what you would like done that would give you an experience of love, and ask what you might say or do that so that your special someone might have more of an experience of love.  Often what we want is quite different from what they want.  That’s a good thing to know. 

How many arguments start with “You don’t love me!”  “Yes I do!”?   Since we measure if someone loves us or not by what they say and do, take responsibility for getting more of what you want in your life, be specific and ask.  Hopefully, who you ask, how you ask, and how you ‘be and have been’ will encourage compassionate giving, and the desire to contribute to each other’s lives in the ways that you both like.

Finally, when you want someone you care about to feel loved, instead of saying “I love you, try saying what is happening that you love.  For a few reasons.  One, it is what is so.  ‘I love you’ is vague.  Their first thought might be, “Why do you love me?” or “Oh no, what do they want now?”  If a person had a childhood where love meant work, then saying I love you to someone may promote feelings of distress for that person, rather than comfort and warmth.  If you are specific, they may like hearing what you say, and do it again.  For example, you might say, “I am feeling so inspired and delighted right now being here with you and having this conversation.  I so enjoy and appreciate hearing your viewpoint about the events of the day and I really like being all cuddled up together while we talk.  I feel safe and calm and nurtured.”  This, I believe, anyone will understand.

And really finally, please remember how I started this article – hearing the words, “love yourself first”.  When you are doing things so that another can have an experience of love (partner, friend, family member or stranger) then you are also immersed in the living energy of love.  That’s how you can love yourself.

Where is the Focus of Your Attention?

A patient that I’ve known for many years has been coming in for the past weeks complaining about a plumbing problem in his home.  Each visit I got an update.  The cast of characters in this story are:  1.  Ed (my patient)  2. Sam (Ed’s plumber)  3.  Ralph (Ed’s handyman) and 4.  Joe (my plumber).

Here’s the story: 

Ed’s been having a plumbing issue in his building.  He called Ralph, his handyman.  Ralph’s life isn’t going to well, so the cost to working with Ralph is listening to his somewhat horrifying and ongoing stories about things.  It is uncomfortable to say the least.  Ralph’s physical health and stamina are poor at best, so Ed must do much if not most of the heavy lifting – requiring him to be present to listen to Ralph’s sad life story.  The work is slow, usually effective, and at a reasonable rate, let’s say $30.00 per hour.

The plumbing issue, Ed soon discovered, had not been fully resolved by Ralph.  Ed, however could not reach him for weeks (he later discovered) because Ralph was so depressed he could not answer his phone.  Ed was forced to call his plumber, Sam.  Sam does great work, but he is too expensive according to Ed, let’s say his rate is $75.00 per hour.  Sam came out, told Ed the problem.  Ed decided to call Ralph one more time, and as luck would have it, Ralph answered the phone.

Are you still with me?

Ralph came out, did what Sam the plumber suggested.  That did not fix the problem.  Ed reminded me how much pain he is in because when Ralph does the work, Ed must do the heavy lifting and carrying of things up and down the stairs – 4 flights.  Ed wanted to know if I knew a plumber?  Sam is just too expensive.  I really like my plumber.  He comes the day I call him, he gets the job done quickly, never needs to come back and I think what I pay him is worth the value offered.  I am excited to offer the referral.

Ed calls Joe, my plumber, and his rate is more than Sam – let’s say it’s $125.00 per hour.  Next visit in, Ed tells me this and absolutely thinks this is outrageous, with no intention to have him do the work.  He is calling his already overpriced, yet unreliable plumber and waiting to have him come back.  Remember his assessment was incorrect at the outset.  At this writing the problem is not yet solved. 

Why am I telling you this story?

In this story, Ed tracked mostly on how much money he spent as the criteria for the quality of his life.  [Ed is retired and lives quite comfortably on significant investments].  Yet he has been so upset, complaining, and still the problem remains over six weeks later.  I wonder if he tracked on that, and made a different decision (actually didn’t have a plumbing problem anymore) what impact it would have on the quality of his life during December and January.

How does this work in your own life?  Are there times in your day, or in your life, if you gave it some thought, that where you focus your attention would have an impact?  You may call it positive thinking.  I prefer the image of resourceful thinking.  Does what you are thinking about give you more or less of what you want? 

Are you giving your ‘power’ away in somewhat indiscernible ways?  Are you willing to take the time to consider that one way to have more of what you want in life is to notice it when it is happening?  We all have filters at play that affect what we can notice.  If you are able to slow life down a bit to become more conscious of what is occurring in every moment, you can take better stock of your own contribution to what is happening. 

For example, Let’s say you want more connection with your partner.  Do you really amp up the complaining (externally or internally – thinking) when your partner stays at work til 8pm?  When your partner comes home at the time you like, do you give it the same energy?  Or do you just say (to the partner or yourself) well, that’s just the way it is supposed to be? 

I’m suggesting that, if you gave what you want the same amount of mental and emotional energy, you may have more moments of having the experience you want – in this case, savoring out loud how much fun you are having together, etc.  That’s all there is to do.  Are you able to just have fun, enjoy the connection, which is what you are saying you want.

We really have very little that we can control in life.  One thing is – what we put our attention on.  Try to notice when you are getting what you want in life, and give it some attention and energy. 

Language of Life Workshop beginning January 10

Tired of the same old arguments?  Now is the time to register for the Language of Life Workshop.  It is a five week series offering a comprehensive introduction to Nonviolent Communication.  Five consecutive Tuesday evenings, beginning January 10, you can begin to learn how to take more control of how you experience your relationship to everything!  Follow the link below. 

http://www.getbacktolife.org/services/workshops/index.php#LanguageofLife

Language of Life Workshop in Oakland, California!

I am so excited to be sharing Nonviolent Communication in my Network colleague, Dr Jane Arzt's office.  I'll be teaching at the Vitality Center in Oakland, California.  The workshop begins Friday evening, October 7, and continues Saturday, October 8 and Sunday, October 9.  It is called Language of Life, and it is a comprehensive introduction to Nonviolent Communication.  Please call to register:  510-654-1480.  Click below for details.

Language of Life Workshop information link

See you there!

Wellness. Really?

I just caught a commercial for Dayquil on television.  It stars the quarterback of the last Superbowl Championship team New Orleans, Drew Brees, and his wife.  I can (with a lot of mindfulness) make peace with superstars selling pharmaceuticals.  Maybe Drew Brees does believe that Dayquil is indeed beneficial.  I can also understand people leveraging their star power for financial security even if they don't particularly believe in the products they endorse.

In this particular commercial, Mrs. Brees is suggesting to her husband that he buy Dayquil and Nyquil now, before he gets sick, so he won't have to go out when he isn't feeling well.  When he argues that he will be fine, she mocks his capacity to make good choices.  He is, after all, still wearing his Superbowl t-shirt a year later.

The tag line on this commercial is "Walgreens, the way to stay well."

Augh.  Really?  What part of buying cold medicine helps you stay well?  This message is suggesting that we concern ourselves with an illness we don't have.  Which is not living in the present, enjoying the moment.  The focus of our attention is not on anything real, it is on some imagined illness.  And making decisions based on this imagining.  In this scenario, we would likely buy lots of medicines just in case we got something.  Come to think of it, that is exactly what our 'health care' system models.  Good thinking and good business for the pharmaceutical industry.  Not necessarily good for humans' well-being.  And I'm not convinced this is the best way to use our imagination.

Back to the commercial.  The idea presented is when we do get sick, this product will help us stay well.  What this product does is cover up our symptoms.  Again, the suggestion is to not be present to what our body is telling us that moment.

Symptoms are the mechanism in humans to signal whether or not we are doing life right.  They tell us whether our needs are or are not being met.  If we can feel what's happening, we can take the appropriate action the body is calling for us to do.  Rest, for example.  If we take something that inhibits the body's natural path to shedding toxins, the immune system is rendered impotent (or worse).   The short and long term effects of taking medication can be damaging to the body's ability to determine accurately what it is supposed to do.  Taking medication of any kind is serious business.  Insert big words here about TH1 cell mediated response vs. TH2 humoral response.  It is quite complicated.  I'm concerned about people making these decisions based on 30 second commercials.

Back to the idea of staying well.  In my view, neither worrying about the future, no taking medication that masks our capacity to interpret the signals designed to get our attention, is staying well.  It may let you do more of the things you want to do, (or don't want to do -- like go to work).  It may make you feel more comfortable in the moment.  It is not making you stay well.  More likely, the opposite is true.

One more thing.  I don't like the common theme on television of men being portrayed incapable and underachievers while their women are stuck putting up with them.  This kind of thinking and language represents to me another way we are not well.  The ability to have healthy relationships, thinking and speaking well of and to each other -- or not, is just another symptom, indicating we need change in our lives.

Ok, Walgreen, sell your wares.  Ok, do it using language and images that damage the facade of healthy relating.  Just don't say it is the way to stay well.

What's Wrong with Right & Wrong

The last time I was in a meeting with a group of people, one person (emphatically) offered an opinion of what next steps we should take on a project. Almost instantly, the energy in the room changed. An awkward quiet descended and the air whooshed out of the room. Why? It turns out that others in the room had quite a different opinion. So what?

What happens when someone says something we disagree with? Why do we get so upset? If we were to interpret the bodily sensations in that moment, we could come to the conclusion that our life is in danger. The moment our body interprets danger signals, a sequence of biochemical events occur that make it increasingly difficult to think clearly. Then we decide to say something. Oops!

Most of us, when we are in distress will attempt to feel better. As Thich Naht Hanh might say, we mistakenly believe that something outside of us (in this case, the person with the different opinion) caused our suffering. With that belief, mixed with the chemicals flowing through our body (mistakenly) screaming that we aren't safe, we determine that other person is our enemy and we must kill them off. Effectively, we decide that we are right and they are wrong. Some folks do this externally by arguing or screaming, defending their point of view. Others internalize their thoughts, deciding it is much safer just to believe they are right without offering their point of view to anyone. In both cases, the tension between the people increases and connection decreases.

The problem when discussing opinions is there can not be a right or wrong. Opinions and judgments are quite personal. We can spend many hours, days, or longer trying to convince someone of our point of view, most often with no success. Because they are doing the same. What's the alternative? Imagine how wonderful life would be if you could just enjoy someone else's opinion no matter how it related to your own. Not only is it possible, it is simple.

Next time you feel upset about something someone just said or did, take a moment to notice what is going on for you. Notice your breath and other bodily sensations like your heartbeat. Then notice your emotions, specifically notice what you are feeling. Are you disappointed, nervous, frustrated? And finally, notice your thoughts. Your thoughts (judgments) will set you free if you let them. What are your thoughts saying to you? If you don't like what the other person said or did, then you must be valuing something that you think their idea contradicts. Put your attention on what is important to you in that moment.

When you understand what the need is that you are concerned about, you will be able to talk about it. You will be able to tell your colleague (friend, spouse, parent or anyone) what made you nervous or frustrated about what they said. More importantly, you can make a suggestion about how you may incorporate the values you have in mind in the situation being discussed. Your negotiation will be about something real, meaning how you feel, what stimulated the feeling(s), and what you want, rather than who is right and who is wrong.