Are you telling people what you think using language that masquerades your story as truth?
I believe the quality of your life depends on a few things,
one being the language you use and the words you say. For that reason I offered you this
question. I think with a few tweaks here
and there in what you say, you will feel more free, more open, more empowered
in your life. And, I think it starts
right here with how to share what you think.
And why you might not share it all.
When intending to connect with another person, offering them
a peak into your inner world is an
invitation to know you. Sharing what is
important to you and what meaning things have for you is connecting. So is the inverse. Listening for what is important to someone
else. And this can be quite alluring and
connecting even if what is important to you is different. Unless, of course you are talking about your interpretations
as truth.
Most often you are so quick to do this, you don’t notice. You may have difficulty pulling apart the
‘what is’ from the meaning you make about the ‘what is’. When was the last time you said, “It is a
beautiful day!” or “That is such a great
restaurant!”? Interpretation. What is the evidence you use to make the
determination of a ‘beautiful’ day?
Perhaps, the temperature, how many clouds you see? In language it seems like nitpicking, in the
experience of the person listening to you, it is a challenge and a suggestion.
What if you love sunny, brisk days, and your friend loves
the gentle rainy ones. In the sentence
“It is a beautiful day!” there is no invitation for your friend to have a
different experience of the weather.
And, really, there is little sharing about what is important to
you. Very little revealing of your inner
world. Try this on: “When I feel the warmth of the sun on my
face, and the breeze in the air, I feel so happy and alive. I am so grateful for this sun-shiny
day!” Now your friend knows exactly what
is important to you in the moment and how you feel about it. S/he can share in your joy, even if s/he
prefers rainy days. Connection is made.
If you say, “it is such a great day!”, your friend actually
has very little information as to why.
No understanding, no connection and there is no invitation for your
friend to have another experience of the weather than the one you declared as
the truth.
Let’s break it down a bit.
Static language – it is, you are, s/he is. Nothing exists as static. If you use these words, you will be mixing
your interpretation of the facts as a declaration of the truth. In a situation more important than a
discussion of the weather, you will most likely receive a response that you do
not want ~ if the person doesn’t agree with your interpretation. Instead, offer them the evidence, what
you notice, how you feel, and what is important to you about it.
What can you notice?
Three things ONLY!
1. Things outside of
you
2. Your bodily
sensations and emotions
3. Your thoughts
That’s it! Nothing
more.
You can notice what someone says or does, how you feel about
what they say or do and what you think about it.
Here are two possibilities...
Your boyfriend comes in a closes the door more loudly than
you are used to. It has happened in the
past, when he was angry. You greet him
by saying, “What are you so pissed at?” He
replies, “F*ck you, I can’t believe you just said that. I am so sick of your self-obsession. I wish, just once you could be caring about
me. I just saw two guys fighting
outside, and its pretty bad. I’m going
to call 911. Just leave me alone.” So now what?
This conversation needs an intervention.
OR:
Your boyfriend comes in a closes the door more loudly than
you are used to. It has happened in the
past, when he was angry. You greet him
by saying, “Oh my! I am thinking something is up for you given
how you shut the door. Will you talk
about it with me?” He replies, “I am so
glad to be inside. There are a couple of
guys outside fighting pretty seriously, I want to call 911. Will you make me a drink and wait for the
cops with me?”
In the first situation, you confused your interpretation of
the sound of the door shutting (noticing) with your boyfriend being mad
(interpretation). You shared it as the
‘truth’. Basically demanding that he buy
your assessment of the facts. While there
was a question, there was no invitation to share what was happening for him.
In the second situation, you offered what you noticed, your
guess as to what was happening and an invitation for sharing. What you got back was connection.
Take a minute before you speak ~ especially in difficult
conversations, to separate out what you notice, and the meaning you are
making. Share them as two separate
things. I believe the quality of your
relationships and your overall experience of the world will be richer, more
connected and you may have more freedom in all of your relationships.
