Monday, June 26, 2017

When Enlightenment Hurts

Have you ever wanted to do something or thought things yet weren’t really able to take the action required?  Until something happened and made it so you kind of ‘had to’?

I have a friend/colleague ~ Raven Dana ~ who introduced me to the phrase “brick to the head enlightenment”.  I love this! 

As I reflect on my own life, I can think of an example or two. 

The first time was my unhappy marriage.  I had some clear ideas that this was not the man for me.  If am totally honest, I knew before the wedding, I just didn’t know how to not marry him.   We were not a match in any kind of satisfying way, and long story short two years in I got sick.  I was in the hospital for 10 days, and when I came out, within a few months, we separated.  I wish I had the communication/self-awareness skills I have now back then, because I feel sad when I think about how we broke up.  I did the very best I could, wanting to be fair, and friendly, and yet it was one of the three most challenging experiences of my life.  But, I digress.  The point of the story is that I was unhappy and stuck and I got sick!
I had cholecystitis.  Gallbladder disease.  So painful.  I suffered for years, and finally had it surgically removed.  People talked about the idea of holding feelings in as being part of what might create such a condition, which is what I did for most of my relationship with my husband. 

The enlightenment came because my first thought was after being diagnosed, “This is something that happened because of my choices.  I did this.”  Almost instantly I changed my diet, stopped smoking (yes, I smoked) and left my marriage.  The 10 days of my hospital stay was my ‘brick to the head’.  I will spare you the emotional trauma of my hospital stay.  It was enough to realize, I will die if I don’t speak up, if I don’t take care of myself.  It was what I needed before I could take action, even though I knew what action needed to be taken years prior.

Recently, I had another experience of “forced mindfulness”.  One thing that was/is distinctly different is how much gratitude I have for the ‘help’.  So much gratitude.

I took a train to visit my boyfriend Steve.  13 hours.  When I got to his place, I noticed some pain in my low back.  By the end of the day, I was barely able to move.  Without pain that is.  And it got worse from there.  I don’t remember having back pain like this ever before, and we were busy that weekend, so I was feeling all kinds of scared.  Long story short…I got to take a sleeper car home (very cool ~ ask me about it!) and upon my arrival home, taking care of myself was my number one priority. 

Here’s the thing…I had been saying that I wanted to prioritize my well-being for 1.5 years, knowing I wasn’t well, and didn’t seem to be able to actually do it.

With the amount of pain I was in, I literally (not literally, really ~ but close) had no choice.  Every move was deliberate.  My body (the universe?) had created a condition that I was able to actualize what I had been hoping for.  Pain was not pleasant, yet kept me honest with my choices.

After one month the pain mostly dissipated.  In a weird way, I felt afraid.  I wanted the pain to keep me focused.  And, I didn’t want to hope for pain, so I chose to remember the pain.  Act as if.   So that is what I have been doing.  I am remembering the choices I made when I was in pain and continue to do those things.  In my case, take walks, stand and lie down ~ reduce sitting to almost never. 

It is now two months.  I am still able to remember.  I can move much more now, yet I am listening much more closely to my body signals.  Certainly there are whispers of ‘you are sitting too long’, or don’t bend down quite like that. 

Say This Not That (to yourself):

Next time you find yourself in pain ~ physical or emotional… 
  • You might consider what is your circumstance?  What is your body asking you for more (or less) of?
  • Check out the stories you immediately are telling (asking) yourself.  Is this going to last forever?  Why am I being plagued with this?  What the hell is wrong with me?  Why did this have to happen now?  
    • Now, take some time to actually answer the questions.  I’m guessing there is some valuable information if you take the time to listen.       
  • Consider the ways you can incorporate some new/old/different habits into your life? 
    • Have you been thinking that life is hard and people don’t support you in a way that you would like?  Now might be a good time to ask for the support you need.
    • Have you been longing for rest and didn’t know how to get it into your schedule?  Is this the ‘excuse’ you have been looking for?  Start saying more effective no’s and yeses.

Don’t let the bricks keep hitting you and piling up!  Take the brick ~ and the message it is delivering ~ and put it in a safe place.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Happy Mother's Day...I Insist!

Many people come to me in hopes of finding ways to deepen their connection with loved ones, partners, family members, workmates, etc.  So often they are confused thinking it is the other person who is creating the distance.  I invite you to consider the ways you separate yourself from the people in your life, often with simple greetings, intended to connect.  

Here’s an example:

Once again, it is a ‘holiday’ ~ Mother’s Day (don’t get me started on what I think about this) and I see on facebook and have been hearing multiple greetings of “Happy Mother’s Day” all morning.

How is it that happy is the only feeling offered?  Can people be delighted?  Can they feel satisfied or content?  How about devastated or grief stricken?  

Which feelings are you okay with?  And why?  

I am thinking of the mom who lost their child suddenly this year, struggling in every minute to understand how to feel happy, and on this day being bombarded with demands to do so.  I am thinking of my niece who who lost her mom and is reminded today how many big events in her life she won’t have her mom to cheer her on, or ask advice from.  I am thinking of the mom’s who are struggling with their kids who aren’t quite thriving and suffering with their own thoughts of “I’m such a bad mother”.  Or the many, many people still longing for a feeling of connection or nurturing with their own mother and confused about the pressure they might feel today ~ given the call to honor their mother ~ deepening their feeling of disappointment or despair.

I encourage you to be mindful today (and every day).  How about instead of dumping your insistence on how someone should feel about the day, you offer a connecting request?  

Say This Not That.  

How about trying a few of these greetings?  Notice if you are more connected with the person you are talking with.
  • How are you feeling this Mother’s Day?
  • Is Mother’s Day a holiday that has meaning for you?  I’d love for you to share a bit about your day with me.
  • I am missing my mom today and feel lonely on Mother’s Day.  Is this a day you celebrate or mourn or both?
  • This is such a hard day for me, I’m curious how you are doing today?
  • I love Mother’s Day!  It is an opportunity for me to celebrate all the people who have nurtured me.  Would you like to hear a story about one?  Is there someone in your life that you feel that way about?
If you want connection, it is simple.  Ask for it!!

Blessings to everyone out there with deep feelings today, whatever your experience is.