Let’s at this point just consider the important ones. Significant other, workmates, friends,
business partners, family. Are you
crystal clear about the roles you are each agreeing to? How do you know?
How much time have you spent making explicit agreements as
your relationship(s) evolved? In my
business I find that it is only when you disagree that you realize the answer
to that question. And usually it is ‘not
enough’.
When we get together with people it is usually because we
have some affinity. We like what they
say, what they are doing, how they look, etc.
We talk and we are mostly relating to our imagination of who that person
is because we can’t possibly know. And
because we are limited to using words (mostly) to communicate, we don’t know
until we do that when you said a particular word, they imagined something
completely different than you did. And most
often, there is no way to know it. We
thought we were in complete agreement!
TRY THIS EXERCISE:
Take a minute to get comfortable. Now I am going to give you a word and I want
you to fully imagine it in your head.
Get a clear picture.
MOTHER
Okay…what (who) did you imagine? Maybe your own mom, maybe mother earth, maybe
your children? Possibly there are more
than one image, activities that you did with your mom, the special time you
baked a birthday cake together, and/or particular feelings. Maybe your image conjured up feelings of
nurturing, or possibly the opposite, maybe disappointment.
Can you now imagine anyone else having the exact same image(s)
in their minds as you?
Probably not.
Let’s use the example of TREE…imagine a tree.
Likely no one else has the exact same image as you. Yet, when you talk you agree that you love
trees, maybe you move in together and completely agree that you are going to
plant trees. It may not be until you get
to the nursery that you realize you had been imagining completely different
things all along. You wanted a huge
maple tree and your partner imagined a row of fruit trees.
This is when communication, self-awareness, care,
compassion, curiosity (all the skills that Nonviolent Communication teaches)
are critical.
Even when you do ‘have an agreement’, you may realize you
can’t really count on an agreement with someone else. It may be simply because language and filters
get in the way of actual understanding as in the examples above, simply
different images/experiences are imagined when we speak. And, as often happens, it may be that the
other person simply does something other than what they agreed to do. Possibly even just minutes or days after they
made the agreement.
It really doesn’t matter what the agreements are or why the
outside agreement is no longer in effect.
What matters ultimately are your agreements with yourself. What needs/values you are committed to. Knowing this leads to confidence and trust. Confidence that you will trust yourself no
matter what. Trust yourself to get your
own needs met. Confidence that what ever
the circumstance, you have other resources and/or strategies to get your needs
met.
I am not suggesting that we don’t make agreements with
others. I am full on in support of
making agreements and often. However, I
am encouraging you to stay out of the trap of depending on someone else to do
what they agree to in order to be happy.
The more you can keep your own agreements to your values, the more
resourceful and creative you will be in connecting to life, meaning what is actually
happening, and ask for what you want.
Which may or may not include the person who just broke the agreement.
