If you are on Facebook, you probably see many of the same
quotes I do. They are meant to inspire
us or make us laugh or cause us to see something in a different light. I’ve
read this one a few times as it’s made the rounds, and each time I’ve felt a
thud in my stomach.
My intuition tells me that this quote is more likely to keep
people stuck than set them free. So I’d
like to tease out what troubles me about it.
What does it mean to feel rejected?
What happened that you interpreted as rejection? Did someone turn down your invitation to
lunch? Did someone you were interested in fail to reciprocate your interest?
For the author of the quote, rejection equals sadness. But must you feel sad
(or hurt or upset or depressed) when someone turns you down?
If we dig a little deeper into your mind, the reason that
you feel sad (or bad or hurt) when someone rejects what you have offered is
because you already believe you are not good enough. Your brain has a way of interpreting the
facts to support your beliefs about yourself. This person didn’t want to go out
with me; therefore, he must not think I’m good enough.
You can’t always believe what you think.
Bill Harris [www.centerpointe.com]
attributes this process of interpretation to what he calls the Internal Map
of Reality. It works like this: You receive some kind of input from the
environment. As it comes in, this
sensory input is filtered. Filters include your beliefs, values,
memories, past decisions, the language you speak, information you have
retained, and on and on. Filters delete,
distort, and generalize the input as it comes in, based on the
way your Internal Map of Reality has been set up to filter, all of which
happens in a split second. And though
you’re aware of some of this, almost all of it is going on outside your
conscious awareness.
Your Internal Map of Reality organizes information that you
receive from the environment. Helpful, right? Most of the time, yes. Except
when somebody turns you down for an invitation to the movies, and this
“rejection” is instantly filed with the other evidence that proves you are not
good enough. When you feel bad about a supposed rejection, keep your attention
on what actually happened. Did my friend tell me I wasn’t good enough? No! She
just declined an invitation to go to the movies.
If nothing is wrong with me, then something must be wrong
with you.
In the second part of this message, there is an implied
obligation. They should have accepted
what you offered. If they aren’t interested, then there must be something wrong
with them. But isn’t this really a demand?
They must like you, or else.
Why should we expect everyone to like us? Do you like
everyone you meet? Do you say yes to every invitation? Do you get in a relationship with everyone
you meet? Of course not! It doesn’t make
sense.
If you truly believe that what who you are is good enough,
then you will be confident that someone will be attracted to you, and you won’t
be hurt every time someone is not interested. I like to think of a golden
retriever I once knew. That golden
retriever ran around to each person she met - pet me! pet me! Even when pushed away, she just tried again.
Compassion is the key.
When you offer something that is precious to you and someone
says no, you may think
the person doesn’t
value you. Rather than address what you already believe about yourself - “I
must not be good enough” - you tell yourself there is something wrong with the
other person. But as I say and write
over and over, there is nothing wrong with anyone. Maybe you didn’t clearly
express what you wanted, or the other person just didn’t understand. Or maybe
the other person truly didn’t want what you were offering. That’s okay.
Remember that compassion - for yourself and others - is the
key to keeping a rejection from turning into “feeling rejected”. Keep in mind that the person you are making a
request of also operates under the influence of an Internal Map of Reality.
Perhaps they would have liked to say yes but simply lack the confidence,
courage or understanding to do so.
Listen for what meaning they long for, and stay present to that, rather
than your own stories. You may be
surprised at what happens when you respond to rejection in this way.
Ask for what you want.
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