The Back To Life Blog

Where is the Focus of Your Attention?

2012-01-29T11:09:00.000-05:00

A patient that I’ve known for many years has been coming in for the past weeks complaining about a plumbing problem in his home. Each visit I got an update. The cast of characters in this story are: 1. Ed (my patient) 2. Sam (Ed’s plumber) 3. Ralph (Ed’s handyman) and 4. Joe (my plumber).

Here’s the story:

Ed’s been having a plumbing issue in his building. He called Ralph, his handyman. Ralph’s life isn’t going to well, so the cost to working with Ralph is listening to his somewhat horrifying and ongoing stories about things. It is uncomfortable to say the least. Ralph’s physical health and stamina are poor at best, so Ed must do much if not most of the heavy lifting – requiring him to be present to listen to Ralph’s sad life story. The work is slow, usually effective, and at a reasonable rate, let’s say $30.00 per hour.

The plumbing issue, Ed soon discovered, had not been fully resolved by Ralph. Ed, however could not reach him for weeks (he later discovered) because Ralph was so depressed he could not answer his phone. Ed was forced to call his plumber, Sam. Sam does great work, but he is too expensive according to Ed, let’s say his rate is $75.00 per hour. Sam came out, told Ed the problem. Ed decided to call Ralph one more time, and as luck would have it, Ralph answered the phone.

Are you still with me?

Ralph came out, did what Sam the plumber suggested. That did not fix the problem. Ed reminded me how much pain he is in because when Ralph does the work, Ed must do the heavy lifting and carrying of things up and down the stairs – 4 flights. Ed wanted to know if I knew a plumber? Sam is just too expensive. I really like my plumber. He comes the day I call him, he gets the job done quickly, never needs to come back and I think what I pay him is worth the value offered. I am excited to offer the referral.

Ed calls Joe, my plumber, and his rate is more than Sam – let’s say it’s $125.00 per hour. Next visit in, Ed tells me this and absolutely thinks this is outrageous, with no intention to have him do the work. He is calling his already overpriced, yet unreliable plumber and waiting to have him come back. Remember his assessment was incorrect at the outset. At this writing the problem is not yet solved.

Why am I telling you this story?

In this story, Ed tracked mostly on how much money he spent as the criteria for the quality of his life. [Ed is retired and lives quite comfortably on significant investments]. Yet he has been so upset, complaining, and still the problem remains over six weeks later. I wonder if he tracked on that, and made a different decision (actually didn’t have a plumbing problem anymore) what impact it would have on the quality of his life during December and January.

How does this work in your own life? Are there times in your day, or in your life, if you gave it some thought, that where you focus your attention would have an impact? You may call it positive thinking. I prefer the image of resourceful thinking. Does what you are thinking about give you more or less of what you want?

Are you giving your ‘power’ away in somewhat indiscernible ways? Are you willing to take the time to consider that one way to have more of what you want in life is to notice it when it is happening? We all have filters at play that affect what we can notice. If you are able to slow life down a bit to become more conscious of what is occurring in every moment, you can take better stock of your own contribution to what is happening.

For example, Let’s say you want more connection with your partner. Do you really amp up the complaining (externally or internally – thinking) when your partner stays at work til 8pm? When your partner comes home at the time you like, do you give it the same energy? Or do you just say (to the partner or yourself) well, that’s just the way it is supposed to be?

I’m suggesting that, if you gave what you want the same amount of mental and emotional energy, you may have more moments of having the experience you want – in this case, savoring out loud how much fun you are having together, etc. That’s all there is to do. Are you able to just have fun, enjoy the connection, which is what you are saying you want.

We really have very little that we can control in life. One thing is – what we put our attention on. Try to notice when you are getting what you want in life, and give it some attention and energy.

Language of Life Workshop beginning January 10

2011-12-05T10:12:00.000-05:00

Tired of the same old arguments? Now is the time to register for the Language of Life Workshop. It is a five week series offering a comprehensive introduction to Nonviolent Communication. Five consecutive Tuesday evenings, beginning January 10, you can begin to learn how to take more control of how you experience your relationship to everything! Follow the link below.

http://www.getbacktolife.org/services/workshops/index.php#LanguageofLife

Language of Life Workshop in Oakland, California!

2011-09-26T16:40:00.000-04:00

I am so excited to be sharing Nonviolent Communication in my Network colleague, Dr Jane Arzt's office. I'll be teaching at the Vitality Center in Oakland, California. The workshop begins Friday evening, October 7, and continues Saturday, October 8 and Sunday, October 9. It is called Language of Life, and it is a comprehensive introduction to Nonviolent Communication. Please call to register: 510-654-1480. Click below for details.

Language of Life Workshop information link

See you there!

Wellness. Really?

2010-11-01T11:18:00.000-04:00

I just caught a commercial for Dayquil on television. It stars the quarterback of the last Superbowl Championship team New Orleans, Drew Brees, and his wife. I can (with a lot of mindfulness) make peace with superstars selling pharmaceuticals. Maybe Drew Brees does believe that Dayquil is indeed beneficial. I can also understand people leveraging their star power for financial security even if they don't particularly believe in the products they endorse.

In this particular commercial, Mrs. Brees is suggesting to her husband that he buy Dayquil and Nyquil now, before he gets sick, so he won't have to go out when he isn't feeling well. When he argues that he will be fine, she mocks his capacity to make good choices. He is, after all, still wearing his Superbowl t-shirt a year later.

The tag line on this commercial is "Walgreens, the way to stay well."

Augh. Really? What part of buying cold medicine helps you stay well? This message is suggesting that we concern ourselves with an illness we don't have. Which is not living in the present, enjoying the moment. The focus of our attention is not on anything real, it is on some imagined illness. And making decisions based on this imagining. In this scenario, we would likely buy lots of medicines just in case we got something. Come to think of it, that is exactly what our 'health care' system models. Good thinking and good business for the pharmaceutical industry. Not necessarily good for humans' well-being. And I'm not convinced this is the best way to use our imagination.

Back to the commercial. The idea presented is when we do get sick, this product will help us stay well. What this product does is cover up our symptoms. Again, the suggestion is to not be present to what our body is telling us that moment.

Symptoms are the mechanism in humans to signal whether or not we are doing life right. They tell us whether our needs are or are not being met. If we can feel what's happening, we can take the appropriate action the body is calling for us to do. Rest, for example. If we take something that inhibits the body's natural path to shedding toxins, the immune system is rendered impotent (or worse). The short and long term effects of taking medication can be damaging to the body's ability to determine accurately what it is supposed to do. Taking medication of any kind is serious business. Insert big words here about TH1 cell mediated response vs. TH2 humoral response. It is quite complicated. I'm concerned about people making these decisions based on 30 second commercials.

Back to the idea of staying well. In my view, neither worrying about the future, no taking medication that masks our capacity to interpret the signals designed to get our attention, is staying well. It may let you do more of the things you want to do, (or don't want to do -- like go to work). It may make you feel more comfortable in the moment. It is not making you stay well. More likely, the opposite is true.

One more thing. I don't like the common theme on television of men being portrayed incapable and underachievers while their women are stuck putting up with them. This kind of thinking and language represents to me another way we are not well. The ability to have healthy relationships, thinking and speaking well of and to each other -- or not, is just another symptom, indicating we need change in our lives.

Ok, Walgreen, sell your wares. Ok, do it using language and images that damage the facade of healthy relating. Just don't say it is the way to stay well.

What's Wrong with Right & Wrong

2010-10-22T08:37:00.005-04:00

The last time I was in a meeting with a group of people, one person (emphatically) offered an opinion of what next steps we should take on a project. Almost instantly, the energy in the room changed. An awkward quiet descended and the air whooshed out of the room. Why? It turns out that others in the room had quite a different opinion. So what?

What happens when someone says something we disagree with? Why do we get so upset? If we were to interpret the bodily sensations in that moment, we could come to the conclusion that our life is in danger. The moment our body interprets danger signals, a sequence of biochemical events occur that make it increasingly difficult to think clearly. Then we decide to say something. Oops!

Most of us, when we are in distress will attempt to feel better. As Thich Naht Hanh might say, we mistakenly believe that something outside of us (in this case, the person with the different opinion) caused our suffering. With that belief, mixed with the chemicals flowing through our body (mistakenly) screaming that we aren't safe, we determine that other person is our enemy and we must kill them off. Effectively, we decide that we are right and they are wrong. Some folks do this externally by arguing or screaming, defending their point of view. Others internalize their thoughts, deciding it is much safer just to believe they are right without offering their point of view to anyone. In both cases, the tension between the people increases and connection decreases.

The problem when discussing opinions is there can not be a right or wrong. Opinions and judgments are quite personal. We can spend many hours, days, or longer trying to convince someone of our point of view, most often with no success. Because they are doing the same. What's the alternative? Imagine how wonderful life would be if you could just enjoy someone else's opinion no matter how it related to your own. Not only is it possible, it is simple.

Next time you feel upset about something someone just said or did, take a moment to notice what is going on for you. Notice your breath and other bodily sensations like your heartbeat. Then notice your emotions, specifically notice what you are feeling. Are you disappointed, nervous, frustrated? And finally, notice your thoughts. Your thoughts (judgments) will set you free if you let them. What are your thoughts saying to you? If you don't like what the other person said or did, then you must be valuing something that you think their idea contradicts. Put your attention on what is important to you in that moment.

When you understand what the need is that you are concerned about, you will be able to talk about it. You will be able to tell your colleague (friend, spouse, parent or anyone) what made you nervous or frustrated about what they said. More importantly, you can make a suggestion about how you may incorporate the values you have in mind in the situation being discussed. Your negotiation will be about something real, meaning how you feel, what stimulated the feeling(s), and what you want, rather than who is right and who is wrong.

Language of Life Workshop -- Two Days - Two Ways!

2010-07-05T11:34:00.000-04:00

Saturday, July 24, 2010
9:00am til noon
Nonviolent Communication Basics

This Saturday we will begin to explore the basics on Nonviolent Communication. We will discuss the four components (observations, feelings, needs, requests) and the two parts (expressing honestly and listening empathetically). We will also talk about communication that blocks compassion.

Saturday, July 17, 2010
9:00am til noon
NVC in Action

This Saturday is dedicated to creative practices to help us to remember why we are interested in nonviolent communication and how to do it even when relationships get difficult. There will be time dedicated for those interested to practice using NVC consciousness in situations direct from their own lives.

Cost: $30.00 per workshop, $50.00 if you register for both.

Language of Life Workshop -- Two Days - Two Ways!

2010-05-16T15:43:00.000-04:00

Saturday, June 19, 2010
9:00am til noon
Nonviolent Communication Basics

This Saturday we will begin to explore the basics on Nonviolent Communication. We will discuss the four components (observations, feelings, needs, requests) and the two parts (expressing honestly and listening empathetically). We will also talk about communication that blocks compassion.

Saturday, June 26, 2010
9:00am til noon
NVC in Action

This Saturday is dedicated to creative practices to help us to remember why we are interested in nonviolent communication and how to do it even when relationships get difficult. There will be time dedicated for those interested to practice using NVC consciousness in situations direct from their own lives.

Cost: $30.00 per workshop, $50.00 if you register for both.

New Video on Network Care!!

2010-04-22T06:48:00.005-04:00

Check out this video! It was produced by my friend Dr. Jane Arzt at The Vitality Center in Oakland, California. It highlights some of the wonderful benefits that Network Care practice members see in their lives. Click here to watch.

Language of Life Workshop in Kimberton

2010-04-22T06:28:00.003-04:00

On June 5 & 6, I will be offering a Language of Life weekend workshop at Kimberton Wellness Connection in Kimberton, PA. This workshop is a more in-depth introduction to Nonviolent Communication. Click here for details. Call the office to register or for more information.

Language of Life Workshop -- Two Days - Two Ways!

2010-04-12T08:48:00.004-04:00

Saturday, May 1, 2010
9:00am til noon
Nonviolent Communication Basics

This Saturday we will begin to explore the basics on Nonviolent Communication. We will discuss the four components (observations, feelings, needs, requests) and the two parts (expressing honestly and listening empathetically). We will also talk about communication that blocks compassion.

Saturday, May 8, 2010
9:00am til noon
NVC in Action

This Saturday is dedicated to creative practices to help us to remember why we are interested in nonviolent communication and how to do it even when relationships get difficult. There will be time dedicated for those interested to practice using NVC consciousness in situations direct from their own lives.

Cost: $30.00 per workshop, $50.00 if you register for both.

Stages of Emotional Liberation

2010-01-28T08:27:00.005-05:00

We all go through stages of emotional experience. In Nonviolent Communication we identify three primary stages of emotional maturity, the last of which is emotional liberation.

Many of us start at Stage 1, which is thinking that we are responsible for other people's feelings. At this stage, we feel bad if our partners are distressed and we worry about hurting other people's feelings. We often deny our own happiness so that others will be happy. We also believe that others are responsible for our feelings. Ad we feel bad when we think they have done something that causes our unhappiness.

Stage 2 is when we start to notice and grieve how much of our life has been spent denying our own happiness Very often, people at this stage feel angry and resentful, and meeting their own needs becomes urgent. At this stage, people tend to say things like, "That's your problem; I'm not responsible for your feelings." This can look like entering into a conversation or negotiation only concerned with getting our own needs met.

In Stage 3, we integrate the first two stages. We come to realize that everyone is responsible for their own feelings, and we also recognize our role if we do something that stimulates pain in another person. We also start to value the needs of everyone, not just the other person's needs or our own. The world seems more abundant as we realize that it is possible to value everyone's needs equally. As this happens, we become able to consider everyone's feelings and needs without taking responsibility for them. We are free to be compassionate and loving to many people, even ourselves. Indeed, we have reached emotional liberation.

It seems that once have an experience of stage 3, we still have moments of each stage depending on what is occurring in our lives. As you become more practiced in NVC consciousness (stage 3), you can actively direct your responses from that understanding. I use the word practice quite purposefully here. Being able to direct your attention to your needs and the other person's needs, and distinguish these from your ideas of what has gone wrong (especially when you are feeling upset) is emotional liberation. And most often will lead to productive and often intimate, or at least enjoyable conversations and relationships. And doing this take practice.

Parts of this post are based on an excerpt from Peaceful Living: Daily Meditations for Living with Love, Healing, and Compassion by Mary Mackenzie.

NVC Practice Groups in February

2010-01-21T10:30:00.004-05:00

Two NVC Practice Groups are scheduled for February. Thursday, February 4 we will be focusing on needs with a NEATEN YOUR NEEDS practice, and Tuesday, February 16 we will be doing another DANCE FLOORS. They both offer a fun way to practice your NVC skills in a playful, comfortable setting. The practice groups begin at 7:30pm with a remembering (centering process). We complete the evening with Celebrations and Mournings and will send you on your way by 9:00pm.

Language of Life Workshop - San Francisco - Jan 30 & 31

2010-01-02T21:43:00.005-05:00

I am very excited to return to beautiful San Francisco and the Magnolia Chiropractic & Wellness Center to offer my Language of Life Workshop. Dr. Stephanie Bridwell's center in San Francisco offers practice members and friends a variety of health care programs supporting her dedication to their wellbeing. Her commitment to being a neighborhood healing center is inspiring. Please join us for this weekend of discovering our compassion and learning skills to become less aligned with our conflicting strategies, thoughts and judgments and become more aligned with the endless possibilities of life.
Workshop Dates: January 30 and 31
Location: Magnolia Chiropractic & Wellness Center, 133 Magnolia Lane, San Francisco, Ca 94123
Contact to register: call: 415-931-5878 or email: stephanie@magnoliachiropracticcenter.com

Questions or concerns or for more information: Please contact Dr. Terrie Lewine at 215-928-8898 or terrie@getbacktolife.org or Dr. Stephanie Bridwell at 415-931-5878 or stephanie@magnoliachiropracticcenter.com

NSA - A Great Video

2009-12-01T13:23:00.004-05:00

Please take the time and watch this video. It was put together by the Ontario Network Practitioners. It is 3 minutes of time well spent!

Why I am a Doctor of Chiropractic

2009-11-22T07:31:00.003-05:00

Because I honor the inborn potential of everyone to be truly healthy. Because I desire to help the newborn, the aged and those without hope. Because I choose to care for the patient with the disease, not the disease. Because I wish to assist rather than intrude, to free rather than control. Because I seek the correct the cause, not its effect. Because I know doctors do not heal, only the body can heal itself. Because I have been called to serve. Because I want to make a difference. Because every day I get to witness miracles. Because I know it is my great work.

Is ETIQUETTE another way to determine BLAME?

2009-11-09T10:27:00.013-05:00

Today I was reading my November issue of Real Simple Magazine. While I most often read magazines from back to front (some kinesthetic thing?) this time I began in the front. I got to the section entitled "Life Lessons" -- Modern Manners written by Julie Rottenberg. OK. Life lessons. This is very important stuff. With the holidays approaching, and entertaining on everyone's mind, the etiquette dilemma of the month is: How long should you wait for latecomers before you go ahead and eat? The article starts out interestingly enough posing the question, hearing a bit about the author's childhood and how she overcame it. Finally we get to what Ms. Rottenberg advises is appropriate. "...a grace period is assumed. After that, feed the prompt, hungry guests. By that point, it's the latecomers who are rude, and the onus is on them to be apologetic, not you." She continues with her advice. "That's not to say you need to unduly punish these people. I beg you to resist the temptation to guilt-trip." In fact she advocates greeting your tardy friends with open arms, throwing in "Oh, we just sat down! no matter what course you're on when they knock on the door."
How can this possibly be considered good etiquette?! Judging your friends, and then lying to them about how you feel? It is no wonder to me that people have a harder and harder time getting along with each other. This is exactly how resentments build up over time. One person decides that their friend behaved badly. They don't mention it (because 'etiquette' says not to). Somehow they expect their friend to just intuit how they feel and acknowledge the bad behavior (with an apology or remorse, or a viable excuse). When this doesn't happen, they add more blame and judgments on the friend's shoulders and continue to keep it all hush, hush. (We don't like to be perceived as judgmental after all!)
I think there is a better solution. How about instead of judging and lying, we try talking and listening. Indeed there is a way to instantly make connection with the tardy guest when they arrive. My suggestion is to reveal to your friends how you feel, (you might be hurt, nervous or anxious) and what your concern is (cold dinner, their safety, the party not dragging on too late), sans judgment of their actions. And, ask them to do the same, if they are willing. You may just discover something very interesting about your friend, that of course etiquette advises them not to. Maybe they get nervous when in a group of people, or they didn't have enough money to buy a hostess gift and they were scrambling for an hour trying to find something that showed their appreciation for your invitation. Please everyone, talk with your friends! Reveal not your judgments, but your feelings. This will promote connection, communication and understanding. Isn't that why we have friends and invite them over to dinner?