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Monday, November 9, 2009

Is ETIQUETTE another way to determine BLAME?

Today I was reading my November issue of Real Simple Magazine. While I most often read magazines from back to front (some kinesthetic thing?) this time I began in the front. I got to the section entitled "Life Lessons" -- Modern Manners written by Julie Rottenberg. OK. Life lessons. This is very important stuff. With the holidays approaching, and entertaining on everyone's mind, the etiquette dilemma of the month is: How long should you wait for latecomers before you go ahead and eat? The article starts out interestingly enough posing the question, hearing a bit about the author's childhood and how she overcame it. Finally we get to what Ms. Rottenberg advises is appropriate. "...a grace period is assumed. After that, feed the prompt, hungry guests. By that point, it's the latecomers who are rude, and the onus is on them to be apologetic, not you." She continues with her advice. "That's not to say you need to unduly punish these people. I beg you to resist the temptation to guilt-trip." In fact she advocates greeting your tardy friends with open arms, throwing in "Oh, we just sat down! no matter what course you're on when they knock on the door."
How can this possibly be considered good etiquette?! Judging your friends, and then lying to them about how you feel? It is no wonder to me that people have a harder and harder time getting along with each other. This is exactly how resentments build up over time. One person decides that their friend behaved badly. They don't mention it (because 'etiquette' says not to). Somehow they expect their friend to just intuit how they feel and acknowledge the bad behavior (with an apology or remorse, or a viable excuse). When this doesn't happen, they add more blame and judgments on the friend's shoulders and continue to keep it all hush, hush. (We don't like to be perceived as judgmental after all!)
I think there is a better solution. How about instead of judging and lying, we try talking and listening. Indeed there is a way to instantly make connection with the tardy guest when they arrive. My suggestion is to reveal to your friends how you feel, (you might be hurt, nervous or anxious) and what your concern is (cold dinner, their safety, the party not dragging on too late), sans judgment of their actions. And, ask them to do the same, if they are willing. You may just discover something very interesting about your friend, that of course etiquette advises them not to. Maybe they get nervous when in a group of people, or they didn't have enough money to buy a hostess gift and they were scrambling for an hour trying to find something that showed their appreciation for your invitation. Please everyone, talk with your friends! Reveal not your judgments, but your feelings. This will promote connection, communication and understanding. Isn't that why we have friends and invite them over to dinner?

3 comments:

  1. Blame = B + lame
    Oh dang, am I blaming blamers?
    That could be a great swear: "You blaming BLAMER!"
    Yah, Yay Terrie. Love this post. I knew I didn't like ettiquette... too hard to spell, to begin with. Then there's the whole encouragement to think, and strategize, buried in it, all likely to drive us/me farther and farther from actual contact.

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  2. who judged and lied? i think you may be bringing too much emotion into a technicality. a fact of life is that whenever you are having a dinner party, people may arrive after the meal starts. nice ones call, some don't. the job of the hostess is to make everyone feel comfortable. that means eating when the food is hot for the sake of the people alreay there. it also means making those who arrive after the meal starts feel welcome too--for their sake, for the sake of the other guests, and for the life of the party. this is not the time to get into a heavy emotional exchange. if the hostess really wants to have herself heard, she should call the guests after the party and ask to talk. i don't think "rude" was a judgement in this context, although the word has that connotation. in your version, the hostess is pimping the party for her personal agenda.

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  3. T~ Love your take on the article/life.
    To me life IS about contact!
    As I have seen/experienced life, we are so NOT 'taught' to speak what is actually going on for us (honestly) let alone encourage others to speak to 'encourage/listen/& know' what is going on for THEM. I much prefer to spend time & CONNECTING with folks who have mastered 'simple' straight forward communication...
    the rest is......is......Story Land!!!

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